Plus I have a zit on my chin

[resonant]

I think the universe is messing with me. I don't know how else to explain all the minor stressors coming up one after another.

First it was the house: The washing machine was leaking, and then it fixed itself. The microwave was tripping the circuit breaker, and then that fixed itself. The water heater, alas, did not fix itself.

Then my parents came up with a scheme for my mother's birthday that required us to fly down, stay two days, and fly back up -- a trip too short even to bother to reset my watch.

Then it was the computer; AT&T's one and only local access number went down and stayed down for ten days.

And just about the time it went back up, my car refused to start.

You know what my theory is? I think I'm being recalibrated. Or possibly beta-tested.

So! None of these are major enough to require sympathy, but I'd love it if you'd tell me a joke.

Comments

[rakshanda.livejournal.com]

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum it could be done.


Q: Why did the deer cross the road?
A: Didn't. Froze in the headlights. Tough break.

Q: How many Jewish mothers-in-law does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Never mind! I'll just sit here in the dark!

[jkluge.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're having such a crappy...week? Er, recent past? :-) I hope everything shapes up and behaves.

Here are a couple of things from my email joke folder. I hope they give you a giggle.

Hello! Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!

If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are. Stay on the line so
we can trace
your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be
transferred to the
Mother Ship.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice
will tell you
which number to press.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound
Button until a
representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address,
phone number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and
grandmother's
maiden names.

If you have short-term Memory Loss, please try your call again
later.

If you have Low Self-Esteem, just hang up. None of our
representatives
would talk to someone like you!

And...



Subject: Chemistry Proof

This was an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm.

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with proof."


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member if their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for temperature and the pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms Therese Banyan during my
Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in that area, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

This student got the only A.

[someinstant.livejournal.com]

Q: How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: God, I can't believe you don't know this one.

*

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It's a hardware problem.

*

Q: What's the difference betweent a first chair violist and a last chair violist?
A: About a measure and a half.

*

Q: What do violinists use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.

*

So Heisenberg is out for a drive one day, and all of the sudden he gets pulled over by a cop. "Sir," says the cop, "do you have any idea how fast you were going?!"

"Well, no," says Heisenberg. "But I do know where I am."

*

An engineer is walking down the street, and sees another guy from his lab walking along with a new bright red motorcycle. He's impressed, especially since his friend doesn't know how to ride a motorcycle, so he goes up and asks, "Wow, where'd you get that?"

His friend explains, "Well, I walk walking along, and this gorgeous blond drives up on the motorcycle, stops in front of me, strips her clothes off and tells me, 'Take what you want!'"

The engineer nods in understanding. "Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

[tofty.livejournal.com]

computer lightbulb jokes for you:

How many network administrators does it take to change a light bulb?
The light bulb works fine on the systems in all other offices. Why would yours not work?

How many contract programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One always quits in the middle of the project.

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but if he changes it, the whole building falls down.

How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb?
We just find the problems. We don't fix them.

How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.

How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just declare darkness the new standard.

[siegeofangels.livejournal.com]

Once I was making instant pudding in a dorm kitchen. The kitchen being not-very-well equipped, and me needing something with which to stir the pudding, I rummaged through the drawers and pulled out a strange-looking but serviceable utensil.

"Do you think this will work?" I asked my friend.

She looked at it. "Well," she said seriously, "that's a whisk you'll just have to take."

[byandby.livejournal.com]

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Russell.

Russell who?

Russell me something up to eat.


So sorry about that. But my brother's name is Russell, and that's been a family joke for years and years. :D

[maharetr.livejournal.com]

Random drive by comment to say that when we were kids (and um, technically a little more grown up, too) our favourite joke along those lines was:

(to be told in rapid succession)
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
Cos it was dead.

Why did the kangaroo fall over?
Cos the koala fell on it.

[starwatcher]

.
AT&T's one and only local access number went down and stayed down for ten days.

Ouch! I feel for you. It happened to me, too, which is why I switched from AT&T. Earthlink is irritating, at times, but it fixes its outages within a few hours.

This seems appropriate.


HOW T0 SING THE BLUES by Lame Mango Washington

1. Most Blues begin, "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like ''I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice: you stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a Southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. In some states, however, the age has recently been reduced to 18. This may lower the quality of the Blues as well as the quality of American justice.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You can't have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of whiskey glass

Bad places: a. Ashrams b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis d. you can't be satisfied

No, if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but now can see c. the man in Memphis lived. d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods can't sing the Blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. wine b. whiskey or bourbon c. muddy water d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. mixed drinks b. kosher wine c. Snapple d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
.

[terrio]

Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None -- Klingons aren't afraid of the dark!

(Michael Dorn told this one at a SciFi convention many many years ago...)

I only know one joke

[kormantic.livejournal.com]

and it's possible that I've told it to you before:

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

Chin up, buttercup. (g)

[neery.livejournal.com]

Oh, I love this kind of humor.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

[snickering] Chicken jokes are still funny to the kidlet. I like this one:

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
Because Colonel Sanders was on the other side.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

I saw a cartoon like that!

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes, I hear this daily. The funny thing is, it's not significantly more funny when told right than when told wrong.

The only knock-knock joke that still makes me laugh is the interrupting cow joke, which probably doesn't work too well in writing, but here goes:

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
An interrupting cow.
An interrup--
[interrupting] Moo!

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Oh, I love this.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

How many babysitters does it take to change a light bulb?
Do they even make Pampers that small?

I loved the second one! Of course I'm putting Rodney McKay in all the math jokes.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

My best friend once told me, "My mother has a black eye."

"Why?" I said.

"She walked into a bar," she said, and then thought for a second, and then said, "My mother is a joke!"

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

[snorting]

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Good ones!

The spouse took up the accordion briefly, but the accordion, like the bagpipe, is an instrument with a range, you know? It's really not meant to be listened to from the same room. And we have a very small house ...

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Hee!

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Frank?"

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

I didn't know I liked math jokes until now.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

I would have sworn that I had heard all the heaven-and-hell jokes there were, but I had never heard that one.

A preacher skips church to play golf, and St. Paul calls St. Peter over and says, "What's the proper punishment for this?"

Peter waves his hand, and the golf ball sails through the air and lands right in the cup.

Paul says, "You punished him by giving him a hole in one?"

Peter says, "Who can he tell?"

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Oh, good one!

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

From the 7-year-old:

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Didn't have the guts.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Hee!