Plus I have a zit on my chin
Oct. 16th, 2006 02:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
resonantI think the universe is messing with me. I don't know how else to explain all the minor stressors coming up one after another.
First it was the house: The washing machine was leaking, and then it fixed itself. The microwave was tripping the circuit breaker, and then that fixed itself. The water heater, alas, did not fix itself.
Then my parents came up with a scheme for my mother's birthday that required us to fly down, stay two days, and fly back up -- a trip too short even to bother to reset my watch.
Then it was the computer; AT&T's one and only local access number went down and stayed down for ten days.
And just about the time it went back up, my car refused to start.
You know what my theory is? I think I'm being recalibrated. Or possibly beta-tested.
So! None of these are major enough to require sympathy, but I'd love it if you'd tell me a joke.
First it was the house: The washing machine was leaking, and then it fixed itself. The microwave was tripping the circuit breaker, and then that fixed itself. The water heater, alas, did not fix itself.
Then my parents came up with a scheme for my mother's birthday that required us to fly down, stay two days, and fly back up -- a trip too short even to bother to reset my watch.
Then it was the computer; AT&T's one and only local access number went down and stayed down for ten days.
And just about the time it went back up, my car refused to start.
You know what my theory is? I think I'm being recalibrated. Or possibly beta-tested.
So! None of these are major enough to require sympathy, but I'd love it if you'd tell me a joke.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 02:15 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 03:54 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 02:16 pm (UTC)The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 03:56 pm (UTC)Reminds me of the one where the old guy is bragging to his friend about the incredible memory-improving technique he's learned from a book, and the friend says, "What's it called?"
"Well, see, I'll use word association. A flower -- daisy, sunflower, rose! Rose! Hey, Rose," he yells into the kitchen where his wife is, "what's the name of that memory-improving book?"
(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 02:17 pm (UTC)You put a little boogie in it.
(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 03:57 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 02:18 pm (UTC)I'll give you a minute to locate the punch line on your own, if you like. :-)
(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 03:58 pm (UTC)That scandal is just ripe for puns, isn't it? I think it was Jay Leno who said, "Now Foley's seat is up for grabs, which is what got him in trouble in the first place."
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 02:20 pm (UTC)Because it was Wednesday!
Note: to be funny, this really needs be told by a five year old on a tube train, absolutely cracking himself up as he tells it, while his mum and her friend snort into their hands and all the commuters giggle for no reason they can understand.
(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 03:37 pm (UTC)(This was, like about 1958...)
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 02:30 pm (UTC)Jacques Cousteaudian!
(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 02:38 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 02:36 pm (UTC)To put out forest fires!
Right, OK, and why do elephants have flat feet?
To put out burning ducks!
(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 03:59 pm (UTC)Or, the variation:
Why do elephants have flat feet?
From jumping out of trees.
Why shouldn't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 in the afternoon?
Because that's when elephants are jumping out of trees.
Why are crocodiles so flat?
They went into the jungle between 3 and 4 in the afternoon.
(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 02:38 pm (UTC)What's the difference between Heaven and Hell?
Heaven is where the English greet you at the door, the French do the cooking, the Italians provide the entertainment, and the Germans organize everything.
Hell is where the French greet you at the door, the English do the cooking, the Germans provide the entertainment and the Italians organize everything.
Hope your daily-life-karma improves!
(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 02:45 pm (UTC)In the European heaven:
The police are English, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian, and it's all organized by the Swiss.
In the European hell:
The police are German, the cooks are English, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and it's all organized by the Italians.
hee.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 02:46 pm (UTC)One turns to the other and says,
"Hey, know how to drive this thing?"
(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 04:00 pm (UTC)Two guys walked into a bar. And it was really stupid, because the second guy saw the first guy do it.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 03:19 pm (UTC)A pool table.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was tied to the pool table.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 04:01 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 03:22 pm (UTC)Sherlock Holmes, that famous detective, was sitting in in his armchair, smoking his pipe and reading a good book, when he heard a knock at the door. It was his loyal friend and faithful assistant, Dr Watson.
"Ah, good morning, Watson," he said. "Don't you find it a little hot to be wearing your red flannel underwear?"
Watson was astounded by this brilliant piece of deductive logic.
"Why Holmes," he said, "however did you know that I was wearing my red flannel underwear?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. You forgot to put your trousers on."
(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 04:03 pm (UTC)The only other Sherlock Holmes joke I know is the one where he and Watson are camping, and he wakes Watson up in the night and says, "What can you conclude from what you see?"
And Watson says, "I see the stars, and from that I can conclude that the clouds we saw earlier have blown away, suggesting that the atmospheric pressure is high and we will have a fine day tomorrow ..."
And Holmes says, "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 03:28 pm (UTC)But. Anyway. Joke:
Q. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two. One to find the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with marbles.
This joke makes me cackle with glee. Which probably says something about me, really...
(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 04:04 pm (UTC)How many Microsoft engineers does it take to deliver clean code?
More.
How many dynamic, ethical, intelligent, committed, creative politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
... It's going to be a long, dark four years, isn't it?
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 04:05 pm (UTC)days weeksmonths like this. (Of course, Mama also said you can't hurry love, so what does she know?)The first joke my son memorized:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the ocean?
A. To get to the other tide.
(no subject)
Date: 10/19/06 03:27 pm (UTC)Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
Because Colonel Sanders was on the other side.
(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 04:23 pm (UTC)The chicken was leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!
(no subject)
Date: 10/19/06 03:27 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 04:41 pm (UTC)The current favorite of my 5.5 yo and 9yo.....
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
(no subject)
Date: 10/19/06 03:30 pm (UTC)The only knock-knock joke that still makes me laugh is the interrupting cow joke, which probably doesn't work too well in writing, but here goes:
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
An interrupting cow.
An interrup--
[interrupting] Moo!
(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 05:00 pm (UTC)Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 05:17 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 05:54 pm (UTC)Only one but the light bulb has to want to change.
----
This one's punch line is a little obscure but it's my favorite joke ever so...
A mathematician and a engineer were in the same hotel during a conference. During the night a fire broke out. The engineer woke up, saw the fire, saw the fire extinguisher, and used the extinguisher to put out the fire. The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, saw the fire extinguisher, realized the solution was obvious and went back to sleep.
(no subject)
Date: 10/19/06 03:33 pm (UTC)Do they even make Pampers that small?
I loved the second one! Of course I'm putting Rodney McKay in all the math jokes.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 06:02 pm (UTC)hippopotamus
antihippopotamus
annihilation
(no subject)
Date: 10/19/06 03:35 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 06:24 pm (UTC)Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry little girl.
Why are pirates so popular?
They just arrrr.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
(no subject)
Date: 10/19/06 03:36 pm (UTC)The spouse took up the accordion briefly, but the accordion, like the bagpipe, is an instrument with a range, you know? It's really not meant to be listened to from the same room. And we have a very small house ...
(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 06:28 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 10/19/06 03:38 pm (UTC)A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Frank?"
(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 06:29 pm (UTC)What do you call the irrational fear of convergent serieses?
Zenophobia.
How many mathmaticians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only one. He hands the lightbulb to a group of blonds and says "there, now we've reduced it to a single riddle we know how to solve."
(no subject)
Date: 10/19/06 03:38 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 06:42 pm (UTC)One year passes and, as agreed, they meet up in limbo.
"So, what's hell like?" the man who went to heaven asks.
"Oh, it's great!" the other exclaims enthusiastically. "Lot of old friends there, so it's party, party, party, if you know what I mean."
"But don't you have work to do, penances to perform?" the heavenly man says, bewildered.
"Oh, well, yeah. We all do a bit of coal shovelling now and again, keep the old fires stoked up, eh. But really, it's not so bad, it's very occasional, and I tell you, the women... And the men, too!" The hellish man grins. "So, what about you?"
"Ah, well, actually, it's... We're at it dawn to dusk you see, putting the dew out on the grass, fluffing the clouds, shining up the sun, polishing the sky. I never seem to get a minute to myself," the heavenly man sighs.
"But, why? I mean, I don't get it. You're in heaven, right?"
"Well yeah," the heavenly man says. "Trouble is, there's only two of us up there!"
Courtesy of lapsed Catholic Irish comedian Dave Allen.
(no subject)
Date: 10/19/06 03:41 pm (UTC)A preacher skips church to play golf, and St. Paul calls St. Peter over and says, "What's the proper punishment for this?"
Peter waves his hand, and the golf ball sails through the air and lands right in the cup.
Paul says, "You punished him by giving him a hole in one?"
Peter says, "Who can he tell?"
(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 06:46 pm (UTC)'Day 1: Rang bell. Dog ate. Proved dog had ears.....'
You don't hear much about Pavlov's cats, though:
'Day 1: Rang bell - cat answered the door.' ...'
'Day 2: Rang bell - cat said he had eaten earlier' ... '
'Day 3: Tried to ring bell - but Cat had stole battery' ...
'Day 4: Cat rang the bell, I ate food'" [Eddie Izzard]
(no subject)
Date: 10/19/06 03:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 06:50 pm (UTC)A: To prove to the possum it could be done.
Q: Why did the deer cross the road?
A: Didn't. Froze in the headlights. Tough break.
Q: How many Jewish mothers-in-law does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Never mind! I'll just sit here in the dark!
(no subject)
Date: 10/19/06 03:43 pm (UTC)Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Didn't have the guts.
(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 07:14 pm (UTC)Here are a couple of things from my email joke folder. I hope they give you a giggle.
Hello! Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!
If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are. Stay on the line so
we can trace
your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be
transferred to the
Mother Ship.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice
will tell you
which number to press.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound
Button until a
representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address,
phone number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and
grandmother's
maiden names.
If you have short-term Memory Loss, please try your call again
later.
If you have Low Self-Esteem, just hang up. None of our
representatives
would talk to someone like you!
And...
Subject: Chemistry Proof
This was an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm.
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member if their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for temperature and the pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms Therese Banyan during my
Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in that area, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
This student got the only A.
(no subject)
Date: 10/19/06 03:44 pm (UTC)