Plus I have a zit on my chin

[resonant]

I think the universe is messing with me. I don't know how else to explain all the minor stressors coming up one after another.

First it was the house: The washing machine was leaking, and then it fixed itself. The microwave was tripping the circuit breaker, and then that fixed itself. The water heater, alas, did not fix itself.

Then my parents came up with a scheme for my mother's birthday that required us to fly down, stay two days, and fly back up -- a trip too short even to bother to reset my watch.

Then it was the computer; AT&T's one and only local access number went down and stayed down for ten days.

And just about the time it went back up, my car refused to start.

You know what my theory is? I think I'm being recalibrated. Or possibly beta-tested.

So! None of these are major enough to require sympathy, but I'd love it if you'd tell me a joke.

Comments

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

No jokes, but in my opinion, your life is possessed by Satan. Just sayin'.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

[notpoetry.livejournal.com]

How do you make a tissue dance?

You put a little boogie in it.

[darthfox.livejournal.com]

Someone told me one the other day about members of the US House of Representatives and why they don't use bookmarks.

I'll give you a minute to locate the punch line on your own, if you like. :-)

[buddleia.livejournal.com]

Why did the lady bird go to school?
Because it was Wednesday!

Note: to be funny, this really needs be told by a five year old on a tube train, absolutely cracking himself up as he tells it, while his mum and her friend snort into their hands and all the commuters giggle for no reason they can understand.

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

Why is the sea floor so clean?
Jacques Cousteaudian!

[etben.livejournal.com]

Why do ducks have flat feet?

To put out forest fires!

Right, OK, and why do elephants have flat feet?

To put out burning ducks!

[beledibabe.livejournal.com]

From Richard Thompson (but an oldie, yet goodie):

What's the difference between Heaven and Hell?

Heaven is where the English greet you at the door, the French do the cooking, the Italians provide the entertainment, and the Germans organize everything.

Hell is where the French greet you at the door, the English do the cooking, the Germans provide the entertainment and the Italians organize everything.

Hope your daily-life-karma improves!

[farwing.livejournal.com]

*gigglesnort* That might be my new favorite joke. Because I am five.

[darthfox.livejournal.com]

Hee -- I saw a similar thing once on a bumper sticker or something:

In the European heaven:
The police are English, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian, and it's all organized by the Swiss.

In the European hell:
The police are German, the cooks are English, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and it's all organized by the Italians.

hee.

[tingler.livejournal.com]

Two goldfish in a tank.

One turns to the other and says,

"Hey, know how to drive this thing?"

[storm-petrel.livejournal.com]

What's green and fuzzy, has four legs and can fall out of a tree and kill you?

A pool table.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was tied to the pool table.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

[vass]

My favourite joke. I first read this in a joke book when I was nine. I liked it so much that I told it in Show and Tell every morning for a year. The other kids laughed the first time. They found it less funny the next few times, but eventually just the sight of me would start them laughing. The Sherlock Holmes joke:

Sherlock Holmes, that famous detective, was sitting in in his armchair, smoking his pipe and reading a good book, when he heard a knock at the door. It was his loyal friend and faithful assistant, Dr Watson.
"Ah, good morning, Watson," he said. "Don't you find it a little hot to be wearing your red flannel underwear?"
Watson was astounded by this brilliant piece of deductive logic.
"Why Holmes," he said, "however did you know that I was wearing my red flannel underwear?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. You forgot to put your trousers on."

[riverlight.livejournal.com]

Poltergeists! (Say I, only half facetiously.)

But. Anyway. Joke:
Q. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two. One to find the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with marbles.

This joke makes me cackle with glee. Which probably says something about me, really...

[kezzamorphosis.livejournal.com]

Sounds like my brother, who, at the age of five, went all over a train asking people, "Do you wanna hear a dirty joke? A cow fell in the mud!"

(This was, like about 1958...)

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Our 8-year-old neighbor told us this one:

What's brown and sticky?
A stick!

[darthfox.livejournal.com]

That is my friend datlowen's favorite joke in the world. It's fun to tell it to people when he's around because just hearing you ask the question can make him laugh for whole minutes. :-)

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

I don't think this stuff is quite serious enough for Satan. Maybe I'm possessed by Dilbert's Phil, the Prince of Heck.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

[snickers]

Reminds me of the one where the old guy is bragging to his friend about the incredible memory-improving technique he's learned from a book, and the friend says, "What's it called?"

"Well, see, I'll use word association. A flower -- daisy, sunflower, rose! Rose! Hey, Rose," he yells into the kitchen where his wife is, "what's the name of that memory-improving book?"

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

[snorts]

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

[googles] oh dear.

That scandal is just ripe for puns, isn't it? I think it was Jay Leno who said, "Now Foley's seat is up for grabs, which is what got him in trouble in the first place."

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Oh, that just made me laugh and laugh!

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Blast from the past!

Or, the variation:

Why do elephants have flat feet?
From jumping out of trees.
Why shouldn't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 in the afternoon?
Because that's when elephants are jumping out of trees.
Why are crocodiles so flat?
They went into the jungle between 3 and 4 in the afternoon.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

I love both of those. But I'm afraid we're at the point where in hell the Americans are the police.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

[snorts]

Two guys walked into a bar. And it was really stupid, because the second guy saw the first guy do it.