I'm sorry you're having such a crappy...week? Er, recent past? :-) I hope everything shapes up and behaves.
Here are a couple of things from my email joke folder. I hope they give you a giggle.
Hello! Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!
If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have short-term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.
If you have Low Self-Esteem, just hang up. None of our representatives would talk to someone like you!
And...
Subject: Chemistry Proof
This was an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm.
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member if their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for temperature and the pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in that area, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
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(no subject)
Date: 10/16/06 07:14 pm (UTC)Here are a couple of things from my email joke folder. I hope they give you a giggle.
Hello! Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!
If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are Paranoid, we know who you are. Stay on the line so
we can trace
your call.
If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be
transferred to the
Mother Ship.
If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice
will tell you
which number to press.
If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound
Button until a
representative comes on the line.
If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address,
phone number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and
grandmother's
maiden names.
If you have short-term Memory Loss, please try your call again
later.
If you have Low Self-Esteem, just hang up. None of our
representatives
would talk to someone like you!
And...
Subject: Chemistry Proof
This was an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm.
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member if their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for temperature and the pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms Therese Banyan during my
Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in that area, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
This student got the only A.