resonant | Out?

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my book about me

Out?

The original sci-fi erotica I'm writing for

dementordelta (which I'm now thinking of as "the pouch porn") is getting a lovely polka of a beta, and I'm psyched to do a second draft tomorrow. I'm all excited about it.

In other news, I'm somewhat freaked out because without planning to at all, I went and told my best friend I'm bisexual. This is not a confession I routinely make, in the nonvirtual world -- the spouse knows, but I don't share it freely -- but it came up in conversation, and there was this moment where really my choice was to lie out loud with words ("Oh, yeah, I don't get that either") or to tell the truth.

It was terrifying.

She ... says I'm wrong. "You're not, really," she says.

This is reassuringly normal for her, actually, so my eye-rolling is much softened by relief. However, I still spent the rest of the afternoon feeling strangely freaked out. Guilty, actually, as if I'd done something wrong.

I think I don't tell the truth enough. I need more practice.

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Well, for what it's worth, this made me laugh out loud. What on EARTH would prompt someone to say such a thing??? WHAT ON EARTH?

"You're not, really."

And I'm laughing again. I just can't imagine it.

"You know, I'm actually extremely fond of the color green."
"You're not, really."
"..."

>Guilty, actually, as if I'd done something wrong.

I think I don't tell the truth enough. I need more practice.

i know what you mean. exactly. i've had approximately that thought lately actually. i feel like i should be very gung-ho and out, sometimes: i mean, my career can't be hurt, or my social climbing or anything, as i'm working a close-to-minimum-wage, no-skills part-time job for fun, and i'm moving at the end of the summer. i just like for people to like me, and no one wants to deal with prejudice, but i'm not ashamed and it makes me angry that i have to think about things as if i am because i *do* believe that it's *their* fault if they have a problem with it. i should just be totally 'my girlfriend' this and 'gay sex' that. but i'm not. however, perhaps i could just come out whenever it seemed unnatural not to, and pretty soon everybody would know. but the opportunities keep coming, and it *does* feel unnatural not to, and i walk around feeling really blah. (i'm not lying to my best friend, so much as to friendly acquaintances, but still.)

and there was this moment where really my choice was to lie out loud with words ("Oh, yeah, I don't get that either") or to tell the truth.

Yes. That is a perfect description of that moment, and a hard decision to make.

I had my own moment with my mother the other weekend, where I had the opportunity to either lie or admit that I was morphing from Catholic to Buddhist. I waffled, and I still feel guilty, but I was scared.

I like to keep the big, important stuff close to the vest--this revealing-of-self business is hard.

Congratulations!

There's a great book called "So You Want to Be A Lesbian?" by Liz Tracey & Sidney Pokorny. In the "Coming Out" section ("No, Mom, I didn't say Lebanese," they talk about "acidental" coming out -- "Whoops, I just came out to Aunt Martha and she passed out in the strudel." They say don't worry, act accordingly,which in this case the first thing to do is fish Aunt Martha out of the pastry. It's a funny book, but there's a lot of good sense under the smart-ass remarks.

"You're not, really," is pretty close to the reaction they call "Selective Hearing Loss," or "It's just a phase, dear." It's interesting how some people that you'd think would be fine with it simply vanish, and some you think would freak barely blink. In the long run, being out to as many folks as possible is infinitely easier, but -- to whom and when is so personal it's a decision nobody else can make.

I hope your friend manages to realize you are still the same person, and only her mental image is different now. Good luck!

I think t-shirts are the answer. It's there, in the open, but you don't have to say it, and if they want to talk about it, they have to bring it up.

Not that I have a t-shirt, oh no. (Well, I have one that says 'Bi NZ Maid', but the writing is small and no-one reads it: they just look at the 'buy NZ made' logo.) I have pride rings that I wore for some years; people would ask about them and, depending on circumstances, I'd answer 'my coloured curtain-ring collection' or 'I got them at the gay and lesbian fair' (suitably vague). I have a 'Go Fish' t-shirt, which is I guess only going to be noticed by queer women anyway.

But yeah, especially now I have a male partner, it's so much easier to come out non-verbally. (No, not non-verbally like that! Like the other thing!) I should practise what I preach.

She's your best friend? Hence being open with her is good. Don't feel guilty. (This is advice, rather than the bossy order it sounds like. ;-)

Don't take this the wrong way (always a bad way to start a post), but I'm finding myself unsettled with the concept of being in the closet with your best friend. I... can't make it compute. It's now making me wonder how many bisexual people I know online who are only really out in the virtual world. If I can figure out that poll thing, maybe I'll find out.

The whole "ohgodIjustcameouttoyouandwhatreactionwillyouhave" feeling, however, I'm perfectly familiar with. No need for guilt - be proud of your guts. You didn't lie.

Sympathy. Especially with the weird guilt. It's difficult, when it shouldn't be anything.

Somebody once told me they didn't 'believe' in bisexuality when it came up. I remember asking her if she thought I was Father Christmas. But I can be pretty useless, too. My married bi best friend got very shirty indeed when I told her she'd lost her 'gay card'.

ooh, congrats! even though "you're not really" isn't the best responce you could've gotten, it's not as bad as it could've been. Strange how those things are so nervious-making.

Well if it's any consolation, being Bi myself, I believe you!

And I can't recall the source of the quote, but this is one of my favourites: "If you tell the truth, or as much of it as seems safe, at all times, then eventually you will find yourself surrounded by people to whom you do not need to lie."

I'm out to varying extents in different contexts, myself; I've never "officially" told my family I'm bi, though I figure my sister knows and probably my parents guess. Being married to a POS makes it easy to "pass" in much of the RL world, which is probably just as well in a work context, for me. Online I'm more open about it because I'm largely anonymous anyway.

It's a weird thing to be bi, especially if you're married and monogamous, because there will always be people who think you can't really be bi unless you're actively involved with both men and women (or at least with one of each), and thus married-monogamy seems impossible to them. (I leave aside married-not-monogamous, not wishing to make assumptions about you, so I speak only for myself.)

But cheers on being truthful about something like that! It's never easy.

[BTW - you are an evil influence. I have written two draft pages of a story about a Malfoy ancestor coming to Britain in the wake of William the Conqueror. I have to go buy a map of Wiltshire now, and assorted books such as an edition of the Anglo-Saxon chronicle and one of the Domesday Book.)

Yeah. Truth is tricky.,

Pouch porn: I like that.

beta polka: I like that, too.

Straight women, knowing each other to be straight, can still flirt with each other in a sexual way, in my experience.

I'm finding this whole discussion fascinating for a couple of reasons.

The first is that I come from a family where the whole mighty mass of women (and there are bunches of us, good Irish-Catholics that we are) are very, um, let's call it "body-positive." There's lots of talking about breasts and sex and grabbing of each other's bits and pretend-making-out at bars, which sounds a lot pornier and dirtier and incestuous when written down than it actually is in person, but still . . . not necessarily everyone's family-reunion experience. So I totally get the straight-women-flirting thing.

The second is that, while I routinely find myself thinking of other women as beautiful or even sexually attractive, I've never thought of myself as bisexual. I just assumed that I'm sexually open or sexually flexible on the Kinsey scale, albeit in a very "parts is parts" kind of way.

It's sort of the same reason that I like slash, or the way I have crushes on movie stars -- I like the idea of beautiful people behaving beautifully together. But in the same way I never have cozy domestic fantasies about Russell Crowe and I setting up housekeeping somewhere, I never think about women in a relationship sense -- which I always thought was kind of my inner-lesbian threshold. Just about the hot, meaningless fantasy sex.

Hmmm. Maybe I'm less straight than I think I am -- I just assumed that all women have these thoughts secretly, but just don't talk about them, just like most people don't talk about, say, their masturbation techniques. I just always thought of it more as a bedroom-fantasy kink than as a lifestyle choice. Great. Somewhere, Catholic priests and bisexual and lesbian women are all praying for my fallen soul, each side wondering where they went wrong.

wow, everyone here has made me think seriously about being bi. You all have very interesting things to say about it, and as a person who hasn't yet 'come out' to my family or friends yet, very relevant to what I am going through at the moment! The subject did come up once, but it was skirted around quite nicely, and hasn't been up since. I do have a friend who is also bi, and everyone else knows, but how do you tell them that you are as well? I think a couple of my friends know, or guess about me, I have kinda talked about it with one of them( unsurprisingly a guy), and its not awkward or anything. Maybe I don't need to come right out and say it? Interesting concept. And I think thats the one I will go with! Its not a matter of telling the truth, or lieing, I just don't think they need to know it right out. If anyone talks to me about it, of course I'll say 'Yeah, I am', but if any of them know me properly, and I hope they do, I don't need to come out and say it, they will know anyway.

Well, thats the theory...

A non-fandom story I'm writing has driven me to come up with a set of words that define the whole thing alternatively, anyway:

Can you feel sexual desire for the person you fall in love with, regardless of that person's appearance/gender/age? You are duntan (desire follows affection). This is considered normal.

Does your desire depend on the appearance/gender/age of the person to the point of being nonpresent for someone you love if it is not correct, and present for someone you do not love? You are dinitan (desire is fixed in object). This is considered abnormal and pitiable, and inspires truly alarming matchmaking efforts in the people who know about it.

Is your ability to feel affection so profoundly affected by appearance/gender/age that you fall in love with each and all of the instances of this? You are tandun (affection follows desire). This is considered untrustworthy by those looking for permanent relationships.

Are you unable to feel desire at all, regardless of attractiveness or love? You are nltan (absence of desire). This gets a response of "ooookayyy," and has people treating you rather like a nun - refraining from bawdy jokes and the like. It is also considered a probably temporary situation, though people who "want to bring you out of it" are scorned and reviled.

Which means, if you're duntan, you can be as bi as you wanna be and still be monagamous (or trigamous, as indicated), without doing violence to your core self. But if you're dinitan, it doesn't matter if you like males or if you like females: your options are considered limited.

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Good for you.

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So what is bi, anyway?