Open letters

[resonant]

Dear counter employees,

When I arrive at the front of the line, you've got about ninety seconds to acknowledge my existence.

If you'll make eye contact and say, "I'll be with you in a moment," I'll wait humbly in line for quite some time. But when I step up to the counter, I start, well, counting. If you go on with your work and ignore me, in a minute and a half you will have lost a customer.

I wish I were more confident that most of you cared at all, but at least it makes me feel better.

-----

Dear people in waiting areas:

Chairs are for people to sit in. They are not for you to put your towels on at the pool; there are hooks on the wall for that. They are not for you to pile your coats on at the skating rink; I realize there really is no satisfactory place to put coats at the skating rink, but it makes a lot more sense to put the coats under the benches and the people on them than vice versa.

If all the seating places are occupied, I will move your stuff so that I can sit down. I will move it as gently and respectfully as if it were my own (and you'll notice that my own stuff is under my chair or hung on a hook), but I will not stand up for an hour and a half so that your worldly possessions can have the comfortable chair. Sorry if that bothers you, except not sorry at all.

-----

Dear people in public places in general:

As the loudness and annoyingness of your ringtone increases, so should the immediate accessibility of your phone.

-----

Dear acquaintance:

It's lovely that you enjoyed that book, and that you think I might enjoy it, too. But I hate it when people lend me books that I haven't asked for. I mean, you do realize you've just handed over (1) a significant object for which I have to be responsible and (2) a task that I have to perform, whether I want to or not? Seriously, if you want to just recommend a book to me, go for it; I'll write it down and get to it when I'm in the mood to read whatever it is. But if I wanted to borrow a book, I would have asked for it.

-----

Dear parents,

If you come to a cafe, and you bring a child too young for school, you are going to have to entertain him while he's there. If you expect to have a conversation, you're going to have to bring along toys or books or art supplies or whatever else will keep his attention, and you're also going to have to expect frequent interruptions.

If you bring nothing for him to do, he's going to try to talk to you, and if he says, "Are you ticklish?" and you ignore him, he's going to say it over and over again, louder and louder.

If the mild-mannered woman in the useless headphones has to come over and whack someone upside the head, it won't be the kid. It will be you.