In the Village of Near Misses

So my lovable puppylike ninth-grade boyfriend just got in touch on Facebook. He's living on a farm some miles outside our hometown, and his only neighbor is ... my pharmaceutically enhanced yet endearingly goofy twelfth-grade boyfriend.

If they could get Wonder If He Knows He's Gay Yet and Epic Love, Epic Daddy Issues out there, it would be a whole little colony of my teenage mistakes.

The spouse once said to me, "I don't know why your parents are always so nice to me," and I said, "That's because you haven't met the boys that I could have ended up with."