December daily: happiness

[resonant]

giglet starts the December daily posting out with a bang: What does happiness look like to you now? How has that changed from a year ago?

A year ago I would have told you I had a gift for happiness.

Today I'd put it like this: I still feel that I have a gift for happiness, but it's just like people who have any other gift, for math or for music, or (like my father until his last year of life) for finding your way to anywhere from anywhere -- (1) when the gift isn't enough, we resent the necessity of actually putting in some work, and (2) also, we don't really know how to put in the work.

What my counselor was teaching me really boils down to how to develop a skill for happiness. A skill is much more valuable than a gift, because it responds to effort.

I'm still working on this; a lot of the time, I find that I know what would be good for me in the long run, but I prefer to do what would be pleasurable or easy in the short run. But for what it's worth, this list is what I took away from eight sessions of counseling on How To Learn A Skill for Happiness.

1. Remember how I used to take care of my preschooler, and take care of myself that way. (Sleep, good food, and a chance to move around a bit, delivered on a reliable schedule; hugs when needed; patience in difficulty; and a moment to celebrate and appreciate success.)
   
   
2. Seek out more practices that allow me to be in the present moment, not worrying about the future or resenting the past. I love yoga for this. I'm exploring meditation, but haven't learned much so far.
   
   
3. Consider it both a spiritual practice and a health practice to damn it, just ask for help when I need it and not feel like everything is riding on fooling everyone into thinking I have it all together at all times. Likewise, try to say, "Please don't do that; it bugs me" early on, while it only bugs me rather than filling me with despair or murderous rage. Y'all, this is so hard.
   
   
4. Make a habit of noticing things I'm grateful for.
   
   
5. Spend more time doing things that matter to me, things that give me genuine pleasure, or things that are restful, and less time doing things out of habit.
   
   
6. Seek out people and situations that make me feel more like myself. Avoid people and situations that do the opposite.
   
   
7. When I have to do something I don't want to do, look for ways to embrace it as a choice, even in the smallest of ways.
   

The main difference from a year ago is that I'm learning to believe two things: that my own happiness may require work sometimes, and that my own happiness is worth work, even if something someone else has demanded has to take a backseat for a bit.

Comments

[dira]

Ohhh, man, I know that feel. I realized about a year and a half ago that I'm not so much a happy, laid back person with a vivid imagination as a person with a constant roil of anxiety and a mostly-effective escapist coping mechanism. It's mostly a good thing to know, but it still means I'm kind of at a loss when the instinctive "quick! think about Bucky!" strategy for feeling unhappy doesn't yield results. That's when I have to hope for a tumblr post about self-care to remind me of something along the lines of your advice above (although first I have to notice that I'm unhappy or somehow Not Okay, and then figure out that I'm supposed to do something about it--still a work in progress there).

(Also, hello! I've missed you! Chat is pretty quiet these days but we've been keeping the lights on!)

[out_there]

I realized about a year and a half ago that I'm not so much a happy, laid back person with a vivid imagination as a person with a constant roil of anxiety and a mostly-effective escapist coping mechanism.

I shouldn't snigger, but I suspect that describes me better than I'd like. The instant distraction of fandom is appealing, but it's definitely my preferred coping mechanism as well.

[princessofgeeks]

This is great; thank you.

Also IMHO yoga IS meditation.

[indywind]

I love this post, and the way you chose to frame your answer to the question. Those are all wise, kind things to realize, and helpful to share.

[pauraque]

Great post! Happiness does take work. It's not a thing you do once and it's done, it's more like raking the leaves while knowing more will always fall.

try to say, "Please don't do that; it bugs me" early on, while it only bugs me rather than filling me with despair or murderous rage.

Oh my, yes. I was actually just talking about this with someone IRL, because it's a lesson I've learned the hard way. When you realize you're getting annoyed by something that probably won't stop without intervention... do you also realize that if you keep adding annoyance to annoyance, it becomes anger? And resentment? And maybe leads to things like fights and not speaking to people and losing friendships and relationships? The stakes may be higher than they seem.

Things that usually don't help include: Doing nothing, silently stewing, or indulging in "venting" that is actually just escalating your anger instead of getting rid of it.

Things that are more likely to help include: Saying something early, accepting the person as they are if their behavior won't change, or not being around the person as much.

[kass]

Everything you say here seems so wise and right-on to me. I am especially enamored of items 1, 5, and 6; item 4 is the one I'm already in the groove of practicing, but I'm going to try to add some of these other ones to my regular roster, because. Yeah.

[muccamukk]

I wish I'd read this post when I was say 14. It would have saved me so much in therapy :D (Had I listened to its advice. I wasn't super good at listening then).

[applenym]

I've gotten along pretty well for most of my life as a "glass is half full" person, look for the silver lining, focus on the positive, etc.—but that's not working as well anymore. So thinking of happiness as a skill rather than a gift, something you have to work at, makes so much sense, and it hit me pretty hard. Especially this: "A skill is much more valuable than a gift, because it responds to effort."

[myalexandria]

plus one to both of these posts. Sigh.

[resonant]

That's when I have to hope for a tumblr post about self-care to remind me of something along the lines of your advice above (although first I have to notice that I'm unhappy or somehow Not Okay, and then figure out that I'm supposed to do something about it--still a work in progress there).

I have the "I'm OK ... or am I?" problem too.

Someone should launch a self-care Tumblr that would autopost things like that on a regular basis. (And then lock it down tight, because what a tempting target for trolls that would be.)