I did that for justice, Ray

[resonant]

I still don't have my computer back, so I can talk to y'all (on the spouse's horrible Dell laptop, while he sleeps) but you can't reliably talk back to me. But I'm lonesome for my imaginary friends, so here: I'll yammer at you about jury duty. I just came off two days of it, which was not as much of a blow to my faith in humanity as you might expect.

(omg, the spouse's Enter key just popped up like a door with the hinge on the top. Must hide evidence of crime.)



They put us all in a big room in the courthouse, and periodically a bunch of people would be marched away for various reasons, and then they'd come back, or they wouldn't, and we'd gossip about what happened to them. It was like being in a spectacularly boring reality TV show.

I was questioned twice and released twice; I don't know if this is because the spouse works for the newspaper, or whether the defense lawyer for DUI Defendant didn't want me because in 1983 my brother wrecked a car while driving drunk and the defense lawyer for Burglary Defendant didn't want me because said burglary happened three blocks from my house. Or because somebody didn't like the look of my hair or something, who knows.

I read all or parts of four library books. I watched an astonishing amount of daytime TV and read a great many women's magazines. I gambled that if I didn't volunteer for the coroner's jury (a one-day commitment, but the one day was the day of the kidlet's history presentation at school), I wouldn't be punished by being assigned to a two-week felony case, and I was right.

Things I learned from jury duty:

- All bailiffs mumble. It must be part of the job description. They also fall apart when asked to pronounce any name more complicated than Smith. I mean, Bowie, people! There are only about three ways to pronounce Bowie, and none of them have more than two syllables!
- In any group of two dozen people, there is at least one who will answer "Yes" to "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?" And it won't be the person you'd guess based on looks.
- If you ask potential jurors, "Do you believe that someone who was using drugs is a less reliable witness?" you'll get pretty much precisely a 50/50 split between 'yes' and 'no.'
- Even if you seriously don't want to be on a jury, when a judge is asking you questions, you really want to seem like the sort of person he/she wants on a jury.
- If you want to be excused from ever serving on a jury, you need at least one family member or close friend who's a journalist, another who's a cop, another who's a good friend of the prosecutor, and another who has committed a crime in that county. It helps if you're a member of Mothers Against Drunk Driving, too.

Things I learned from the magazines/TV in the jury room:

- Everybody is on a diet, all the time, no exceptions. Now, somehow or other KFC is still in business, so presumably not everybody is succeeding at dieting, but everybody is supposed to be trying. Eating like a normal person is not called "not being on any particular diet"; it's called "cheating."
- If your diet isn't working, the answer is to try a different diet. There are so many to choose from, after all.
- The women from that polygamous group all have the same soft, tentative voice. I wonder if they have on-the-job training or something. Maybe they learn it from the same people who teach bailiffs to mumble.
- We're no longer letting men off the hook because whatever we want them to do is too trivial for their mighty maleness to take notice of. Now we're letting them off the hook because whatever we want them to do is too difficult for the poor babies, who are really only good for sex and comic relief. Net result, however, is that they still don't have to load the dishwasher or clean the bathrooms.
- The people on "The Price Is Right" consistently underestimate the price of everything by about 25%. I feel sure this is a significant economic indicator.

Comments

[cranberryink.livejournal.com]

- Even if you seriously don't want to be on a jury, when a judge is asking you questions, you really want to seem like the sort of person he/she wants on a jury.

ahahahaha, that is so absurdly true.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

It's the strangest thing. I wonder if even the defendants want the judge to think well of them.

Things are different in America, if that is where you are from.

[lucitania.livejournal.com]

Twice our building superintendent has been tapped for jury duty, and twice I have sprung him simply by writing a letter strongly implying that the building will explode and thousands will die if he is not excused.

Good times.

Re: Things are different in America, if that is where you are from.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Building superintendents are way more important than I am! I don't have a job and my kid's in school, so I didn't even try to get out of it; I figured it would never be easier than it would be now.

Re: Things are different in America, if that is where you are from.

[lucitania.livejournal.com]

Nobody's more important than you are, bay-beh!

[china_shop]

Eating like a normal person is not called "not being on any particular diet"; it's called "cheating."

Seriously! I've been reading junkfoodscience and it's kind of terrifying how institutionalised/legislated "healthy eating" (i.e. dieting) is becoming. More in your part of the world than mine, but still. /o\

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

I second your aghast outrage. Sheesh.

And now I ponder making a post titled, Everything I Always Wanted To Know About Jury Duty But Never Dared To Ask (I Learned From Res).

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

It's appalling. I'm hoping that, having kept the kidlet away from commercial TV and women's magazines for this long, we've assured that when she finally does encounter that aspect of American culture, she'll respond to it the way I do: by going, "Hm, you people are from a strange and unusual planet."

[paceus.livejournal.com]

You write wonderfully interesting posts -- and your cut tag made me laugh.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Even as I was sitting in the jury room, slowly petrifying from boredom, I was thinking, "I am so putting this on LJ."

[exceptinsects.livejournal.com]

Now we're letting them off the hook because whatever we want them to do is too difficult for the poor babies, who are really only good for sex and comic relief.

This is SO TRUE, and it's why I can't watch TV commercials, ever.
If I was a man, I would be really insulted, but then again I wouldn't have to load the dishwasher or clean the bathrooms, so maybe I wouldn't care.

[sapote3.livejournal.com]

I think it's hilarious when men are outraged, but their solution is to blame the feminists. Because yes, we think it's AWESOME when men are routinely excused from all household duties. Blast them for kenning our secret plan!

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

On the other hand, the spouse and I have agreed that the pop-culture male is a pretty accurate representation of our dads.

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

::nodding:: I have had an experience with jury duty not unlike yours, though shorter; they only kept me for the better part of a day. But the magazines and the tv and the wanting to be the kind of person the judge wanted eve though I didn't want to be on a jury...? Yeah. :-)

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

The last time I was called for jury duty, I only had to call in; they never asked me to show up in person. I was in favor of that method.

[nestra.livejournal.com]

I'll yammer at you about jury duty. I just came off two days of it, which was not as much of a blow to my faith in humanity as you might expect.

My fellow jurors were actually really good at bolstering my faith in humanity. The criminal, not so much. But as much as we all didn't want to be on a jury, I was very impressed by the way everyone acted once we got there.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

The one time I was on a jury, I had the same experience. Kind of good to know.

[reedfem.livejournal.com]

Well, I see I'll be summarily tossed from the jury pool as I walk in the door. Oddly enough, I've never been called.

...really only good for sex and comic relief And sometimes they're both the same thing... ;)

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Some days, a good laugh is really what I need.

[maxinemayer.livejournal.com]

You made me laugh out loud with "anyway ahem leadership" quote! Thanks for making me laugh!
Love, max
P.S. - I've never been on a jury and don't want to be! I'm hoping I never need to be! (Because I'll just let every defendant off scott free - I'm a softy!)

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

I think they have questions to weed out the real softies. I myself thought both the defendants were kind of cute, but they didn't ask me any questions about that.

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

God, jury duty. In all my times of doing that, I've only ever been on one jury, and it was a quick and easy case, but the worst thing I ever saw there was while I was impanelled (empanelled?) for a spousal abuse case. During the questioning it got down to only one woman left on the panel (me) and when the judge asked each lawyer if there was any other prospective juror they'd like to excuse without cause, I heard the defendant mumble to his lawyer "that bitch" and saw him point at me. I was summarily excused. I hadn't said anything except my name and occupation. I'd like to mention the guy was on trial for stomping his wife and his baby until both were unconscious.

That left him with an entirely male jury, including a man who was clearly disturbed and talked to himself and another who didn't speak coherent English or understand it. I heard later that they were in the middle of the first day of trial and the wife of the defendant - the same woman who had been rendered unconscious - ran up to the jurors and begged them not to convict her husband. So a mistrial was declared and it had to start all over again.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Wow. That is an amazing story. Creepy, but amazing.

[kelliem.livejournal.com]

- If you ask potential jurors, "Do you believe that someone who was using drugs is a less reliable witness?" you'll get pretty much precisely a 50/50 split between 'yes' and 'no.'

I would answer: "Depends on the drug." :D

- The women from that polygamous group all have the same soft, tentative voice.

That's probably because they'll get beaten if they talk in a normal voice. /cynicism

I was recently not chosen for jury duty, too, but watching the process was an interesting experience. The one thing I really remember was the judge, just before she started interviews, saying that she read somewhere that something like 70% of Americans watch Jeopardy, but no one EVER says they watch Jeopardy when she asks what their favorite TV shows are. I thought that was amusing. :D

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Hee! They didn't ask us any of those favorite-TV-show questions; it was all serious business.

[kelliem.livejournal.com]

I think they were trying to find out if anyone was addicted to CSI-type shows, because that could influence how they viewed certain forensic evidence the case would involve.

[thefourthvine.livejournal.com]

If you want to be excused from ever serving on a jury, you need at least one family member or close friend who's a journalist, another who's a cop, another who's a good friend of the prosecutor, and another who has committed a crime in that county.

Another useful one, if you'd like not to have to serve on a jury, is having to have the following conversation with the judge:

Judge: Has any member of your family ever been arrested?
Me: My father was, about a dozen times.
[Entire court room perks up, because it seriously doesn't take much to entertain people at these things. And, hey, dude, my dad was arrested a real lot! That's, you know, fascinating!]
Judge: ...Do you want to explain that to me privately, at the sidebar?
Me: No, here's fine. It was sixties stuff.
[Judge and courtroom laugh. Lawyers take industrious notes, which I have to assume read "OMGWTFSIXTIES?"]
Judge: Was your father ever convicted of a felony?
Me: No.

Later, the prosecutor will ask me what precise sixties stuff that was, and I will mention the dread term "civil rights." Later still, the defendant's attorney will ask me a few questions on the topic, but at that point, we all know I am going to be excused by the prosecutor; the defendant's attorney is just trying to get me to say stuff for the real jury to hear.

Prosecutors apparently really don't like the daughters of people who participated in civil rights protests. Or maybe they just don't like me. It'd be so much more convenient for everyone if I could be permanently excused from jury service on the grounds that no one is ever going to let me sit on one. (Which is fine! I don't want to. But it's annoying to have to trek out there for a day when I know there's no reason at all.)

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

I love that! But I know what you mean; I wish they'd call me at home and ask me a couple of questions and just save me the trouble.

[100wordspermin.livejournal.com]

I was selected for jury duty three times while living in one county--I moved one county over four years ago and have only been selected for the federal court (which can get me anywhere in the metro area). Yay for moving!

I was dismissed once because one of the prosecuting attorneys was my next door neighbor when I was three. That was the best :)

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

That's a good plan! Live where the prosecutors live!

[qe2.livejournal.com]

On the subject of getting excused: it also helps to be related to a lawyer. (Well. It helps in this context, anyway.)

My chances of serving jury duty sank to pretty much .0000001% the minute I passed Bar¹. Unlike a lot of my classmates, I find that disappointing. (Yeah, okay, I'm weird.)

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

That would be very useful. The last time I actually had to show up for jury duty, one of the others in the pool was himself a prosecutor. And, yes, he had to sit there until they questioned him and let him go.

[kelliem.livejournal.com]

They actually empaneled a law-school student who was in my group. I guess because he was doing Environmental Law not Criminal.