Announcement and request

[resonant]

It occurred to me, on the plane on the way home from Dad's funeral, that I would find it comforting to have a formal period of mourning.

I'm probably not going to do a full high-Victorian year, but I'm going to put most fannish pursuits, and a lot of other things, on hold for a while. I have grief, and I want to sit quietly with it rather than try to fit it in with the rest of my regular life.

I don't have a graphics program any more -- would anyone be willing to make me a mourning icon? I was thinking of a drapery of lace, kind of like a square cut out of the bottom of this textile photo, but I'm open to other interpretations.

Back in a bit!

Comments

[cesperanza]

Oh Res, I'm so so sorry. When you're ready to talk to anyone--if you want to talk about this--you will find a support group ready made: there are so many of us in this boat this year. You have all my sympathies. I'm around at the usual places and addresses if you want me. {{{hugs}}}

[kiezh]

I'm so sorry for your loss. *hugs, if hugs are desired*

I am only a newbie icon-maker, but here are some possible lace icons from that picture:

https://app.box.com/s/nhwmxfwlfreylqavf3cm

https://app.box.com/s/s7uutv3sgk2bhezn520g

https://app.box.com/s/0fciv79r3hiktn1l2kl7

If that's not what you wanted, no worries. Take care.

[resonant]

They're lovely! Thank you.

[sara]

I didn't expect to ever do formal mourning, but I found that it took about a year after Nana died for me to stop getting up in the morning and feeling most comfortable in black. Which was a bit weird for me.

It wasn't quite as much so after C's mom died, but there too.

I was talking a few days ago with a friend about why did it take me so long to walk away from the Very Problematic Job, and she said, "Well, you took it right before your grandmother died, and then C's mom was dying for the next two years, and it's only recently that you haven't had so much to deal with there that you've been able to step back and think about making any other big changes."

Which is by way of saying yes, good idea. Take some time. You probably will whether you mean to or not.

[northern]

I'm sorry. That sounds like a good decision for you though. I hope the quiet year will be good for you.

[wanted_a_pony]

All my sympathies & best wishes, dear. You're very wise to plan time to grieve. Mourning pushes its way into your thoughts & life, willy-nilly, so the best thing is just to acknowlege it's there &, as you say, sit quietly with it. When or if you're ready for conversation, let us know; til then we'll be nearby, tootling along on the usual things.

[kass]

In my tradition mourning unfolds in stages. The stage before the burial; then the first week after burial; the first month; the first year. In the most traditional contexts there are different constraints on one's life during each period; for most of the people I know, it's just a useful framework for thinking about how the experience of grief shifts over time.

Anyway. I'm so sorry for your loss. May you be comforted along with all who mourn.

[resonant]

I would like to know more about those stages, if you'd care to share. I think Protestants probably used to have mourning traditions but they've fallen by the wayside somehow.

[kass]

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you on this. High holidays; busy season; you get it.

Here's the short version; longer version to come later.

The first phase is what we call aninut, which is the period between death and burial. That's a kind of twilight period for the mourner -- neither one thing nor the other. Life isn't normal, but one hasn't taken on formal mourning customs yet.

The first week after the burial is called shiva ("seven") and has the most restrictions. In some communities the mourners don't leave the house all week; people come to them, bring them food, pray with them daily, take care of them. When the 7 days is over, sometimes the mourners go on a ritualized walk out of the house and around the block and back in through a different door than they left out of -- symbolizing that they're re-entering the world and they're entering a new way of living in their own home.

Next up is the first month, shloshim ("thirty" -- not creative names, these :-), and then the first year. Traditionally one says kaddish, the mourner's prayer, daily during that first year if one is mourning an intimate family member like a parent. Interestingly, that prayer doesn't mention death at all, though it does mention God. For many of us the Aramaic doesn't really register as making sense but the sounds and rhythms are familiar and comforting because we've been hearing it all our lives.

Some communities have traditions around, e.g., not listening to live music during times of mourning, or not buying new clothes, or things like that. I think those usually only apply to the first month.

But I think the basic truths at hand here are: grief comes and goes; mourning takes time; one can expect the experience to shift over time; having the support of a loving community can help.

Email me if you want (kassrachel at gmail) and I can send you some stuff I've put together under my RL name, if that's helpful.

[resonant]

The walk through a different door is startlingly lovely - Mom and I both immediately wanted to adapt it for our own use, and I've been turning it over in my mind in terms of finding a different way of engaging with fandom.

I understand now why we (fandom) lost some people after 9/11; grief puts a great big Why on everything.

I wish my own tradition had more ways of honoring this time. I think that modern worship traditions, in a perfectly understandable desire not to dictate to people how they're allowed to feel, are losing ways that people could use to shape the story of their experiences.

[reginagiraffe]

I am so very sorry for your loss. *hugs*

[myalexandria]

I think this is a really good idea. Take the time, feel the feelings, spend a lot of time talking to your dad. And do think about your wardrobe.

I'm so sorry, and like Ces said, whenever you're ready or want to talk, we're here.

[anatsuno]

You are very wise and my thoughts are with you. Until such time as you want to again! <3

[raine]

{{{HUGS}}} My sympathies and condolences. It's been three years, but I still miss my parents greatly (they died six months apart.) Take all the time you need, and know that there will always be a place here when you're ready to come back.

[the_shoshanna]

Wishing you comfort and peace.

[metaphortunate]

I'm so sorry. I hope that brings you comfort.

[metaphortunate]

ETA: "That" meaning your stepping back, not my being sorry. Argh, sorry for awkwardness. /o\

[caseylane]

So sorry for the loss of your father. Grieve as you need to knowing our thoughts are with you.

[emeraldsword]

*hugs* I think a mourning period is a really sensible idea - as the people above have said, mourning has a way of coming in whether you mean it to or not, and you do need time to think about it. Wish I'd done that after my grandma passed.

[copracat]

I'm so sorry for your loss.