Smut pet peeve

[resonant]

This isn't exactly in the category of a boring smut issue, but it is a smut pet peeve: Mixed male arousal signals.

I'll be reading a sex scene, and I'll get to a sentence like this:

He was nearly hard, his cock beginning to rise out of its nest of curls, already glistening with fluid at the tip.

Which, OK, I'm willing to be corrected if I'm mistaken about this -- my knowledge of the male sexual response is deep, but my sample size is quite small -- but in my experience, you don't get to "glistening" until you've already spent some considerable amount of time at "hard." Women are moist, in various degrees, pretty much all the time. Men, not so much.

A different, but related, smut pet peeve is when you've got a character who's under 25, and he's been necking for four or five paragraphs -- consensually, quite happily, with no hint of ambivalence -- and when the clothes come off, the author will describe his cock as "hardening." Because, in my again somewhat limited experience, a young guy will be "hardening" pretty much the minute a desirable partner says, "I want to have sex with you, all right?" and a kiss or two will finish the process nicely.

And, see, it irks me all the more because it's so unnecessary. I don't need a report from the cock barometer every paragraph. I don't need to know about it at all.

As a reader, I will assume that all relevant cocks have precisely the tumescence they need in order to do what the author tells me they're doing. More detail than that will sometimes add sexiness, but more often it subtracts it -- either because it sounds wrong, and thus introduces doubts ("Only half hard after all this time? Wonder if maybe he's changing his mind?"), or just because it's gratuitous ("Oh, great, next thing you know she'll be providing length and girth measurements").

And don't even get me started on the phrase "rock hard." Not unless you're a Discword writer who's slashing Detritus.

Comments

[eliade.livejournal.com]

There need to be more situations where I can work in the phrase "cock barometer." Maybe at my next project meeting.

[apocalypsos.livejournal.com]

It'd make a great band name.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Maybe at my next project meeting.

I want to work in your department.

[thornsilver]

("Oh, great, next thing you know she'll be providing length and girth measurements").

And they often do.

Also, I think I will be metaqoting you. *nod*

[graculus.livejournal.com]

The only way someone's cock would be 'beginning to rise out of its nest of curls' anyway is if it lengthens like a telescope...

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

That bit doesn't sound all that implausible to me (depending on whether he's standing up or lying down), but it's something I've never had the pleasure of observing.

(Like the joke about the maid who dusted a nude figurine too roughly, knocked it over, and broke the cock off, then glued it back on pointing upwards: "But, ma'am, every one of them things I ever saw looked like that!")

[destina.livejournal.com]

Because, in my again somewhat limited experience

*looks around furtively*

Maybe the key to all this is that you actually have experience. Whereas I often suspect that this is, er. Not the case, for some writers. There's only so much these whippersnappers can glean from The Joy of Gay Sex, y'know. :D

[jmtorres.livejournal.com]

Often, they learn from other slashfic. Which only perpetuates the badness.

[randomblade.livejournal.com]

mmm. more people need to slash detritus.

[kitsune13.livejournal.com]

I fully agree. Detritus/Cubby 4EVA!

[painless-j.livejournal.com]

Thanks for good healthy laugh. I suppose it's not their fault that they haven't had 'field training' but so want to write smut :/

As a reader, I will assume that all relevant cocks have precisely the tumescence they need in order to do what the author tells me they're doing. More detail than that will sometimes add sexiness, but more often it subtracts it -- either because it sounds wrong, and thus introduces doubts ("Only half hard after all this time? Wonder if maybe he's changing his mind?"), or just because it's gratuitous ("Oh, great, next thing you know she'll be providing length and girth measurements").

Word. I usually skip such details or close the window at all. But mostly I react to the descriptions of smells. They just came from a match, soaked like ducks, all day in high laced boots, then one of them liks the other's foot and oh divine smells. Well, I'm exaggerating for the sake of rhetorics. But the thought is clear, I suppose.

[nakannimi.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the overly romantic smell descriptions bug me too. When I read, "Draco's skin smelled like chocolate, cloves, and moonlight," I just think, uh, no, people usually smell like sweat, or soap if they've just bathed, or perfume, not moonlight.

[cathexys.livejournal.com]

yes...i've noticed things like that before...plus, in my limited experience, not every man does the all liquidy thing and the getting hard after paragraphs and paragraphs..well, just no :-)

it's worse then the simultaneous orgasms and multiple orgasms and coming from blowing someone and all...b/c that can be hot and i'm totally willing to suspend disbelief for my horniness...just not move back and forth in time...

[tarpo.livejournal.com]

beginning to rise out of its nest of curls, already glistening with fluid at the tip.
---

For some reason this sounds like something you would see on Iron Chef.. Although I don't think they have had "Battle Schlong"

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

I was watching Iron Chef when I read this and I think I woke the neighbors with my exceedingly unladylike reaction.

Thank you, Tarpo-san!

[harriet-spy.livejournal.com]

Something I realized today, due to the wonder of typoes:

a "hardly cock" is just not as satisfactory as a "hard cock."

[myska-x.livejournal.com]

*snort*

oi!


screen - coke. coke - screen.

[isiscolo.livejournal.com]

Because, in my again somewhat limited experience, a young guy will be "hardening" pretty much the minute a desirable partner says, "I want to have sex with you, all right?" and a kiss or two will finish the process nicely.

I can report that it works with older guys, too. At least in my limited sample.

[norah.livejournal.com]

Not always, sadly. But I agree on the mixed-message peeve. Have added it to my sex ed memories, for the edfication of those hardy souls who peruse them.

[autographedcat.livejournal.com]

Because, in my again somewhat limited experience, a young guy will be "hardening" pretty much the minute a desirable partner says, "I want to have sex with you, all right?" and a kiss or two will finish the process nicely.

Actually, under 25, a guy will generally be hardening pretty much the minute a desirable partner says, "Hello. How are you?"

[thereallyle.livejournal.com]

*ROFL!* I can see it taking paragraphs if it's recovering from an earlier bout five minutes ago, but yeah, you're right there. Fortunately, that sometimes works for girls too. ^^ At least, for me, it does. Guys find it terribly amusing.

[celandineb.livejournal.com]

This reminds me of a line from Dave Barry: "As a rule, women would like to devote as much time to foreplay and the sex act as me would like to devote to foreplay, the sex act, and building a garage."

With young men especially, it is awfully implausible that they're going to be at less than full readiness after some consensual necking. And while my experience is not that wide, I have never noticed that men dribble as much as some fics would have one think. Women get wet, oh yeah, but not men, not to any great extent.

As for "rock hard" - would this mean that he's wearing a stone condom, perhaps handed down through the generations of his family since the last Ice Age? ;-)

[thereallyle.livejournal.com]

No kidding. I have yet to see that dribbling thing. At all.

But as far as the line from Barry, I think that really varies. I actually was with a guy who wanted MORE foreplay than I did. ^^ Go figure.

[anuanu.livejournal.com]

I'm 20, and I can tell you honestly that at the word hi, things start to perk, and by the time our bodies are within a foot of one another, sproing! I've popped a boner. Any touching, and it's ready to leap right into action. Doesn't even require touching or foreplay.

[thereallyle.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow. I'm not that bad—I require at least a small poke. On occasion watching a lucious kiss in a movie.

[switchknife.livejournal.com]

D00d, yes. *chuckles*

[mzcalypso.livejournal.com]

"And don't even get me started on the phrase "rock hard." Not unless you're a Discword writer who's slashing Detritus."

Anything's possible, but, my ghod -- with *whom?!*

"Rock hard" always struck me as one of those exceedingly subjective evaluations, like a headache that feels like it's going to explode.

The visible pre-ejaculate always seems improbable. Not that it doesn't happen at all, but the little fella would have to be holding *verrry* still for it to be visible. And that just isn't likely.

My own nominee for dreadful slash adjective is the 'weeping cock.' I always want to hand it a tissue and tell it to blow its nose.

;-P

[miss-pryss.livejournal.com]

Oh, *totally*. "Weeping cock" is almost as much as sure-fire a turn-off for me as the words, "Harry just couldn't believe Dumbledore was making him marry Snape."

[obsessed1.livejournal.com]

*grins*

Oh great, next thing you know she'll be providing length and girth measurements

Why is it that some people feel the need to describe them as "enormous?" If they were all that big, wouldn't it be average?

Oh, and just to share one description I read years ago:

enormous, throbbing, purple cock

I couldn't help picturing a large, pulsating, lilac rooster. *snerk*

I'm adding this to my memories, and linking it on my community, slashforum. This is great!

[(Anonymous)]

Very good, but I picked up an even better one by reading epicyclical: "Mighty pleasure rod." Ha!

[phreid.livejournal.com]

I concur! You've hit on several of my pet peeves, though it DOES vary from guy to guy. Not that it's easy to discover that; us guys are usually rather mum about such things, so I can't be too surprised at the strange things I read.

Perhaps someone should put together an organization to promote less winceworthy sex narration? (I'm also reminded of the drawing a while back with the guy's bit on upside down.) I'd be happy to join!

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Well, there's hp_britglish and various volunteer britpickers for people who don't want their Hogwarts characters to talk like Californians. Maybe somebody needs to start a community (hp_manglish?) for people who don't want their male bodies to behave like female ones or alien ones.

[pushdragon.livejournal.com]

Oh! Oh this line:

I will assume that all relevant cocks have precisely the tumescence they need in order to do what the author tells me they're doing.

just brought tears to my eyes ... beautifully, beautifully expressed!

"Oh, great, next thing you know she'll be providing length and girth measurements"

And regular diagrams, perhaps, will be the next step, to make sure we are always au fait with the current level of turgidity and moisture.

Thank you for a brilliant laugh.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

And regular diagrams, perhaps, will be the next step, to make sure we are always au fait with the current level of turgidity and moisture.

Oh my god, I laughed so hard. I picture it being like the little icons they have on the weather forecast: Partly Hard, Hard, Hard with 40% Chance of Moisture ...

[waywardoctagon.livejournal.com]

Perhaps they mean that it's very small, hardly there at all? ;-)

[dementedsiren.livejournal.com]

I whole heartedly agree with this - and the phrase "the cock barometer" is absolutely priceless. I can just imagine the news reporting the "weather".

70 percent chance of erection today, with 20 percent glistening humdity. And there is a "raging hard on" alert out from 9pm to midnight, Central Standard time. So grab those condoms before heading out of the house. Back to you, Bud.

Hee.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

[gigglesnort]

[salixbabylon.livejournal.com]

This is just so accurate, so succinct, I love it to death.

I will assume that all relevant cocks have precisely the tumescence they need in order to do what the author tells me they're doing.

Amen, Sistah! Nothing more annoying that too many details when they're vaguely (or explicitly) WRONG.

[dragon-charmer.livejournal.com]

Very well put *off to check timing etc*

But you'll be surprised how many readers need to to 'told' what is going on all the time otherwise they don't think it's happened *sigh*