Advanced stupidity

[resonant]

Hey, I was a gifted child. I kick ass on logic tests. I did really well on my SATs.

I mention this because I am almost certainly the biggest moron in fandom tonight.



Our old gas grill got damaged in a windstorm, so I bought a new one. I had it assembled and delivered, and after the delivery guys left, I looked under the cover and thought, "Damn. No owner's manual."

Yeah. Some of you probably already see where this is going.

Tonight I connected the propane tank, did the soapy-water test to make sure there weren't any leaks, and then lit the grill for the first time. And I had a funny feeling about it, but I couldn't put my finger on it; I went into the house and told the kidlet, "Humor me and keep the couch between you and the porch for a while, OK? I feel strange about the grill for no good reason."

I preheated the grill for fifteen minutes, and then I went out and opened it. It was full of burning paper.

Yep. The owner's manual had been stored under the grilling plates, and it was now on fire.

Fortunately, all the burning stuff stayed inside the grill until I removed it, so I didn't set the house on fire (or the shrubs, or the neighbor's tree, or any passing cars). No great harm done.

But whatever idiocies you may have committed today, you can still say to yourself, "Well, at least I didn't grill my owner's manual."

Comments

[dracostella.livejournal.com]

That is totally something I would do. In fact, even after reading this, I have a feeling that should I ever own a grill, this will happen.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Well, now you're aware of the possibility. So you'll avoid this, and then you'll do some new, original dumb thing.

Or maybe you'll actually cook on your grill, according to directions, the way you'd think anybody could manage ...

[affinity8.livejournal.com]

Well, I was temping at a job last week. I go into the office and turn on the monitor but damned if I can't find the tower. It's not under the desk. It's not behind the desk. It's not behind all the accumulated under-desk stuff. It's not a mainframe, but what the hell? So finally I ask the tech guy to come over. He shows up, looks pointedly over my shoulder, and asks, "So. Can't find the tower, hmm?"

It was behind me, on the side desk. About twelve inches from my elbow.

But, on the bright side, I didn't burn it down or anything!!

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Well, obviously you're not the first to ask the question, if he gives you the answer before you ask!

[laurelwood.livejournal.com]

The same thing would have happened to me. I just don't think UNDER the grilling plates is a good place for manufacturers to stash an owner's manual. Now, taped to the underside of the hood/lid? That'd be nice, wouldn't it, because then you'd be sure to NOTICE it when you opened it.

If it makes you feel any better, I onced torched a bag of potato chips that I'd hidden from the voracious family in what I thought at the time was a handy storage drawer under our 1968 stove. It turned out, of course, to be the broiler, and when I next used the oven, the chips went up in flames.

[damned-colonial.livejournal.com]

When I moved to Canada I assumed the drawer under the oven was the broiler (or griller as we'd say), and it wasn't til months and months later when I went to use it that I opened it and found out that it was a handy storage drawer.

[zoerayne]

Sounds like something I'd do.

My kids would never stop mocking me, though. I've had two fairly serious injuries to my left thumb (a bagel incident that we're not going to talk about, and a run-in with a paving-stone in a garden border that nearly resulted in me losing the use of my thumb), and how do my loving children respond? onnakitty says, "So, Mom, what this has taught us is that you don't deserve opposable thumbs." Gee, thanks. *g*

[jelazakazone.livejournal.com]

Bagels are dangerous. I know all about dangerous bagels. One attacked my eye once. I can see how a run-in with a bagel could affect one's thumb.

[celandineb.livejournal.com]

No... I grilled a piece of chicken and a piece of beef, but thankfully did not grill the owner's manual.

Nevertheless in the vast scheme of things, as idiocies go, at least this was a pretty harmless one!

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

I've never had a grill mishap before, but I used to be famous for burning dishtowels on the stove.

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

I'm not laughing at you.
I'm laughing near you.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure how safe it is to get near me.

[ataniell93.livejournal.com]

I would so do that.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Well, who puts an owner's manual that far inside? I mean, to get at it (to get at what was left of it) I had to remove the grill grate and the little triangular things that cover the place the flame comes out of.

[emmagrant01.livejournal.com]

Oh, poor you! It's kind of a funny story, though -- the sort you can tell at parties for years to come and get laughs. ;-)

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

As long as they're not dinner parties.

Actually we've got a cookout planned for next weekend. Maybe I'd better not tell the guests about it.

[mordyn4]

Ha ha ha, that is fucking classic! He was a dumbass for leaving it in there, though. M.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think it's a toss-up which of us was more stupid.

[florahart]

At least you already knew it was a good story as soon as it happened, right? :D

I once melted a tea kettle, the kind that is metal and whistles, on my stovetop. WHILE I WAS HOME. And it had been full as I was making like, a pitcher of tea.

[kelliem.livejournal.com]

I have a former housemate who fused a pot to a burner element. She put water on to boil because she was going to cook some potatoes, then went in her room and started reading a book and forgot about it. Some unknown amount of time later I started smelling something weird so I came out of my room to try and hunt down the source and found the burner on, the pot empty, both glowing bright red with heat. I turned the burner off, and naturally yelled at the housemate. Later when things had cooled off, we tried to take the pot off the burner and found they were fused together. We had to buy a new element. We were damned lucky we didn't burn down the apartment building. :)

[imkalena.livejournal.com]

Yikes! I'm really glad nothing horrible happened!

[imkalena.livejournal.com]

And actually, while I'm at it, I have an even stupider grill story. I turned on the gas and lit the grill, or so I thought. I can't remember if it actually lit properly, but the next thing I knew, I was looking down at the gas tank and there was flame coming out of a place near the tank attachment that had apparently rusted out. Do I *leave the vicinity*?

No, I yell for Jim, and then, thinking that if that pressurized gas caught on fire inside the tank, that it was going to blow the side of my house off, I reach down, my face practically under the grill, and turn the gas off.

After an hour or so, I regained the power of speech, at least.

I still don't know whether it would have really exploded or not. Jim was like, "Next time, just walk away, okay?"

[kudra2324.livejournal.com]

seriously, who put the owner's manual under the grill plates in the first place? that's all i'm saying.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

I know!

[vass]

...I once popped popcorn in the vacuum cleaner?

Who knew that if you vacuum up stray popcorn kernels, the heat in the vacuum bag makes them pop?

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Hee! I've been telling this story to everyone.

And now everyone wants to try it!

oh, you are not even in the top ten

[kormantic.livejournal.com]

Anna bought me a delightful little sun-spectrum lamp for the houseplants she also bought me. The lamp is from Ikea and it's in the form of a long black rectangle that has a hinge at the top. To turn it on, you unfold it and then the light clicks on. I took it out of the package, I plugged it in, and I unfolded it. It's very bright; too bright to really look at. I left it on during the day while I was at work, because I live in a basement and the plants weren't really getting any sun, even at the windowsill. I came home one evening and I thought I smelled burning dust... It turns out that the lightbulb for the full spectrum lamp had come swaddled in bubblepaper and packing foam.

I'd left it burning for hours and days and the bubblewrap had melted to the lightbulb.

It's astonishing that the house didn't burn down. My landlady is an elderly shut in; she totally would have roasted alive and I'd have gone away to jail for the rest of my days.

Whew!

So you are in the clear, sweet lady. (g)

Re: oh, you are not even in the top ten

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

But there again -- who sells a lamp with the light wrapped in flammable substances? I mean, really.

I love the way this story has brought out everyone's funny-tale-of-the-dumb.

[lasultrix.livejournal.com]

I have an exam in two hours' time that I'm very freaked out about. This post helps. :)

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Well, good! Just think to yourself: I have imaginary friends who are far, far stupider than I could ever be.

[halimede.livejournal.com]

Dude, I'm impressed how somehow you *knew*. That seems like a skill I'd choose over manual-location any day. :)

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Well, but then again, if a person has an intuition that there might be a problem with a device that's burning flammable gases on her porch, the sensible thing would be to turn off the flame until the problem is identified, don't you think? [smacks forehead]

[unmisha.livejournal.com]

I dunno - you're not the one who assembled it and hid the manual, and you had a funny feeling about it.

You didn't burn an structures down, so you're one up on me. *wanders off, whistling innocently*

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Ooh, I sense a story here ...

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

*laughs for about 38 minutes*

Oh dear.

Well, I once put a pack of frozen butter onto the radiator to warm up. And yes, guess what? It melted. Into the radiator. The house stank of rancid butter until we moved out.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Oh, man. I can almost smell it. Ew.

[jood.livejournal.com]

Protip: PDFs don't burn.

You poor thing. I am laughing heartily at your misfortune, but I swear it's done with love.

May you grill (food) in good health.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

PDFs don't burn.

Excellent point!

[http://users.livejournal.com/_inbetween_/]

Thank you!

Yours,
Having-burned-down-the-oven-fan-more-than-once,
Can Spontaneously Combust Pans

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Burned down the oven fan? How do you manage that? That takes talent.

[fierydspsition.livejournal.com]

I'm about to end my term studying abroad in Northern Ireland and as most people know, their unit of measure for temperature is Celcius and not Farhenheit, which is what I'm used to. Now, I knew this coming over and have gotten fairly used to converting in my head, but the first time I used the oven, it did not occur to me to convert. So when I was trying to set the oven to 350 while using an American cook book, I looked at the dial and though "Oh it must just be old" and proceeded to set the oven to 250 degrees Celcius.

Let's just say, I burned that dinner...

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Oh dear!

I read a story about someone who said, "Hey, I'm doubling the recipe, so I'd better cook it at 700 rather than 350," but I'm betting that's a myth.

[auctasinistra.livejournal.com]

Wandering around LJ and I have to say thanks for a hell of a good LOL. The way I am, the only reason I can safely say "Well, at least I didn't grill my owner's manual" is I don't have a grill. If I ever get one, all bets are off.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Not owning things is a great way to avoid damaging them! I don't own a cell phone, so I've never lost one.

[springwoof.livejournal.com]

i love that you can tell this story in public...says awesome things about your strength of character.

it gave me a twinge, though--like the twinge I get whenever the spouse utters those terrifying words: "let me get my tools"

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

I don't know if it's strength of character; it's more like, "Well, hey, if nothing else, I can get a good story out of it."

[winstonmom.livejournal.com]

Well, I will not give you details of the one time I was trying to lit a gas thingy and I let out too much gas, when it cought fire it kind of exploded and burned my eyelashes and the top of my hair.....had to go get a haircut and therapy because now I am deadly afraid of gas thingys.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Eeeeep! That's pretty scary. Would have given me a phobia, too.

I love the phrase "a haircut and therapy."