Watching an adoption

[resonant]

I didn't realize I'd forgotten to post this! This is an observation from about a year ago, of a thing that happened in my coffee shop while my headphones rendered me invisible in the corner.



A young pregnant woman -- long red hair, white retro-fifties sleeveless dress -- comes in with an older woman. Then a 30ish couple come in through a different door. Gingerly hugs all around. When the pregnant woman is giving ultrasound photos to the couple, I realize it's an adoption in progress.

The guy says, "We're sorry, but she's going to be a cheesehead." They've driven all the way from Wisconsin for this meeting. It's four hours to Wisconsin.

After a bit, the older woman's phone rings and she comes over by me to take the call, and I realize she's a lawyer. The call apparently comes from a client who's worried about someone contesting their adoption due to an interstate law of some sort.

The pregnant woman talks like a reasonably educated person, and she's at least in her late twenties -- I had pictured woman who gave up babies for adoption as being younger and, I suppose, with fewer options.

The thing that cued me in that this wasn't just a pregnant woman having lunch with some people she knew was this: You know how people have one way of talking about someone else's baby (with lots of praise) and a different way of talking about their own (with more modesty)? They all were using the "someone else's baby" tone. So when the adopting dad said, "Well, I'm sure she'll be beautiful," the pregnant woman didn't say, "Thank you," or, "I hope so" -- she said, "Oh, she will."

I guess that child would be learning to walk right about now. I hope they're all OK.

Comments

[farwing.livejournal.com]

Wow. That's really fascinating. Thank you for sharing.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

It was interesting enough that I was actually taking notes on it while it was happening, with the thought that, hey, I'll post that!

[aubrem.livejournal.com]

::sniff, sniff::

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Aww. And a perfect icon! (My daughter's little cat is the only kid-related icon I have.)

[the-shoshanna.livejournal.com]

Lovely. Makes me think of Dan Savage's The Kid, of course.

Some years ago I spent many days sitting in family court to support a friend who was getting a somewhat nasty divorce, and since her case was always heard last but we had to be there all day just in case it was called early, I saw a lot of things. Most were depressing (divorces, guardianship for old people who could no longer take care of themselves), but there was one family that was adopting three or four children they had been fostering. The kids were too young to sit quietly in the courtroom that long, so they were out in the hall waiting, and when the judge approved the adoption word was instantly passed and you could hear the kids start cheering, and the judge leaned down to the bailiff and murmured, "I love doing that."

[ecaterin.livejournal.com]

That is so awesome :D

I had a friend give up a baby in her mid 20s. She had a terrible history of depression. Even though she could work & had supportive partner & people around her, she didn't feel she could parent a child. Her child had been concieved through THREE forms of birth control - clearly a meant-to-be child.

I couldn't do it. I have an IUD and even with that I'm planning my Essure (http://www.essure.com) procedure ASAP. I don't want there to be any chances.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

I could probably have done it before I had the kidlet -- I mean, I would have had problems with the publicness of it, the whole "she was pregnant but now she doesn't have a baby" thing, but other than that, I think I could have done it.

I couldn't do it now, I don't think. Some nonrational part of me would always be reminding me that my kid was out there somewhere and I wasn't taking care of her.

I know so many people who've adopted, and I know what a blessing it's been to them, but ...

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Aww! That's such a sweet story.

[evilprettykitty.livejournal.com]

It's funny that you say that about always picturing the mother being young girls because I did too until I knew a coworker at my first job who was in her late 20's who was pregnant. She told our boss she was carrying the baby for friends but told me that it was unplanned and she was giving it up because she knew she couldn't handle another baby (she was divorced with two of her own) and the dad was not willing. I didn't know that anybody but teenager gave babies up for adoption. I left that job before she had the baby but I always wondered what happend to her.

[aubrem.livejournal.com]

A very difficult and admirable thing to do. My hat is off to her.

[evilprettykitty.livejournal.com]

I really wish I was still in contact with her (this was over 10 years ago) because I'd love to know how it all went.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Wow. That's pretty cool. One of the rough things about giving up a baby for adoption is that pregnancy is so public, and people feel free to demand explanations.

[evilprettykitty.livejournal.com]

yeah, I think she felt bad lying to people about it but she just didn't want people in her face about why she was having the baby instead of having an abortion or keeping it. She told me for her it was about giving someone else a chance to be a parent, because she already knew how great it was.

[watergal.livejournal.com]

That is interesting.

I'm 39 and over-educated to the point that I have more letters appended to my names then within them. If my birth control were to ever *shudder* fail, I would arrange to have the child adopted. Having had a (mercifully brief) scare once, I am pretty sure about this.

But I suspect you are right; it isn't the ususal demographic. But that does make life and different people so interesting.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

I don't think this woman was that educated -- but her grammar was better than average.

One nice thing about being older is that you care less about what other people think!

a friend of mine adopted a baby

[kormantic.livejournal.com]

after years of loss and trying and feritility treatments. She was simply INCANDESCENT and she's so happy (and of course her beloved and her baby are swell and supreme as well), so I hope the same sort of thing is going on for the baby and her new family, and that her biological mother is rock solid and glad about her choice.

Re: a friend of mine adopted a baby

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Aww. I hope so too!

The spouse's older sister had a baby when she was a teenager, and gave him up for adoption. She reunited with him when he was an adult, and learned that he'd lived with divorce and alcoholism and just the kinds of instability she was hoping to spare him when she gave him up. It was very sad.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

I can see why this would stay with you. I wonder what they meant by cheesehead?

cheesehead

[darthfox.livejournal.com]

They meant Packers fan. :-)

Re: cheesehead

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Or just a person from Wisconsin. Assuming there's a distinction.

[gnomad.livejournal.com]

Your comment about the woman not being very young made me a bit curious as to the average age of birth mothers (I too thought they were all pretty young), so I did a bit of digging around. Things I've found:

1. Statistics on birth mothers are hard to find. Lots of numbers on adoptive families and adopted kids, but very little on the birth mother. I think that's rather interesting in and of itself.

2. I came across a few studies that used birth mothers in their research and was able to find some statistics from them. Nearly two thirds of birth mothers were teenagers when their child was born (~19 years); however, the ages ranged from 14 to 36 years. They tend to be not very educated (average around 13 years, surveyed 7-10 years after birth), or have a high income (incomes ranged from $0 to over $50,000, but averages were around $20,000-29,000).

3. There appears to be a higher mean age among birth mothers who do an "open" adoption (mean in the twenties) than those who have no later contact with the child.

4. I'd be worried about the generalizability of these findings (after all, these women were willing to participate in a study about their adoption, which automatically makes them unique), but it give you an idea of the range out there.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's one of those issues that are hard to get good statistics on. But it makes sense to me that an adult woman would be more likely to choose an open adoption, while a good percentage of the teenagers are probably thinking, "Just make this whole issue go away, please!"

[elbomac.livejournal.com]

That's really cool, and a different perspective than the one I take from my work (foster care & adoption).

Many of our birth mothers are younger, but a surprising number are mid- to late-thirties. We do a lot of work trying to build relationships between birth and foster/adoptive families because it's 1) better for the children and 2) more likely to end in a surrender and open adoption.

And yes, adoptions are pretty much the only fun, happy things that take place in family court.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's cool, that you work in the field.

So the children do better if their birth mothers remain part of their lives? I imagine that would be complicated -- there's no standard model for that kind of relationship (compared to being, say, the child's aunt, or the mother's best friend, or the child's stepmother, or whatever) -- no agreed-upon set of rules for what the boundaries are. But maybe it's like an amicable divorce -- very difficult for the adults, but much better for the children.

[elbomac.livejournal.com]

It *is* complicated (obviously). But your divorce analogy is a good one - it does require a lot of effort on the parts of all the adults involved, but the current thinking (at least where I work) is that more connections, rather than fewer, are better for children in most cases. It's different for infants, of course, but when the kids are older and aware of who the birth parents are, we don't want to sever that relationship completely, even if the kids ultimately can't go home.

We end up (actually, start out) doing a lot of work developing the birth parent/foster parent relationship. It doesn't always work, but when it does it can really be beautiful. We have families where a child's been adopted but still has regular visits with the birth family, and other cases where the children go home, and the foster parents are available for respite, serve as mentors for the birth parents, or as kind of honorary aunts/uncles/grandparents.

Also, sometimes when we build these relationships and the parents just can't do what it takes to get the children home, the parents are able to surrender their rights so the children can be adopted. The birth parents know and feel good about who the children will be with, and can count on future post-adoptive contact. Some of the parents I've worked with come to feel that they've given the children a gift, maybe the only thing within their power to give.

It's still a pretty radical idea in child protection, but we've seen some amazing outcomes. That's probably way more than you wanted to know, but sometimes I love my work so much that I can't shut up about it. :)

[skylark-cee.livejournal.com]

Sounds more like surrogacy (implanted w/ adoptive parents fertilized egg or chosen donor egg) than a forced by circumstances adoption to me. Surrogacy has some high standards actually.

Women who meet the following guidelines will be considered eligible to apply to Baby Miracles' (http://www.baby-miracles.com/Surrogacy.html) program:

- are between the ages of 21 and 38 (31 for Traditional Surrogates)
- have borne at least one child
- are healthy and free of sexually-transmitted diseases
- do not smoke or take illegal drugs
- are not alcohol-dependent
- are not currently on public assistance
- have never been convicted of a crime

It's also prefered that they be married and have the support of their family. It's all a safety precaution so that prospective parents who have put forth a lot of hope and money (upwards $20,000 straight surrogacy fee sans medical exp etc, more depending on past surrogate success) don't end up with someone who wants to keep the baby.

The forced by circumstances adoption is what happened with my older sister. She graduated HS early and moved out of state. She couldn't wait to gain independence from our parents and instead became unexpectedly pregnant at barely 18. The father didn't care and she came home from out of state and more dependent than ever. She didn't think she could handle having a child yet so she came to an agreement with some adoptive parents, they would pay her medical bills and she would let them adopt the baby at birth. They were waiting at the hospital during delivery, but as soon as my sister saw her little girl she couldn't do it. They were understandably upset but sister brought her home and my parents tried to help.

That lasted all of 2 - 2 1/2 months and the adoptive parents ended up getting her after all.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Oh, dear. That sounds hard for everyone involved.

Really we need to reverse the default setting on fertility. It ought to require effort to get pregnant, rather than requiring effort not to.

[swtalmnd]

What's interesting to me about this is that I know a couple waiting for just this sort of adoption -- it's such a crapshoot, but really, it's so much better for those kids to go into a situation where they're wanted and the parents are emotionally and financially ready, than to stay in a situation where the birth mother, for whatever reason, isn't prepared to be a parent yet (or at all). Let's hope the kid's happy!

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

I know; I'm really hoping it all worked out. I have a friend who adopted three babies from Korea (one at a time, not all at once!) and they're all so happy -- and even though the parents are non-Asian, I swear they all look alike!

[laetitia-g.livejournal.com]

I loved this post as much as the last one.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

Adoptions and their variety

[kiezh.livejournal.com]

Both of my sisters have adopted kids, and the situations were kind of at opposite extremes. One of my sisters used to foster babies/toddlers who were taken from their parents by DSS, and the one she finally got to adopt was a little girl with severe physical problems stemming from premature birth and the birth mother's drug use. The other one was an open adoption, with a birth mother who already had several kids and didn't think she could handle another (single mom), so my sister and her husband got to be at the birth, name their daughter, and take her home. They keep in contact and have periodic visits, so my niece will grow up knowing her half-siblings.

Both little girls are doing well, and they adore each other; if anyone mentions cousins to them, they start squealing each other's names. Their combined power of Cute is overwhelming.

I love your little overheard/overseen anecdotes, btw.

Re: Adoptions and their variety

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's interesting! It's sweet all the different ways families come to be.

When I read Silas Marner a few years ago, it really struck me the different attitudes about adoption then. The rich man wants to adopt the little girl, but his wife apparently has a moral objection to adopting children you're not related to. When she learns that he's secretly the child's father, she says, "Well, why didn't you say so? We'll take her, then." It's just an alien mindset.