My family vacation, numerically

Hours spent walking through San Francisco with the spouse, gawking at things and having obscure conversations: 16.

Peet's mochas consumed: 3.

Percentage success at avoiding sunburn: 75.

Percentage success at not ogling two balding fortyish men who were laughing and giving each other back massages and being most charming in Yerba Buena Park: 50.

Hours spent sitting on an uncomfortable futon couch watching television with the in-laws: 30.

TV shows seen for the first time (including House, American Idol, and Teletubbies): 7.

Hours spent watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune: 6.

Times the in-laws told me I ought to audition to be a contestant on Wheel of Fortune: 12.

Minutes I was able to tolerate The Apprentice before rudely fleeing the family room to read at the kitchen table: 7.

Minutes of internet access scraped together from public library visits: 60.

Attempts to read SGA smut on library computer with the screen type size turned really, really small: 2.

Percentage success at not drawing attention to self by blushing, squirming, and looking over shoulder: 50.

Minutes before giving up and settling for bulletin boards and eBay: 15.

Times the in-laws played the good CDs we bought them on our last visit: 0.

Times the in-laws played Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits: 5.

Conversations on the predicted death of Social Security and Medicare: 5.

Conversations on the predicted coming of World War 3: 4.

Conversations on the rising cost of California real estate, with examples: 24.

Fights that resulted in one of the in-laws slamming out of the TV room: 2.

Fights that resulted in someone slamming out of the house: 0.

Ranking of this visit on the list of Most Peaceful Visits To The In-Laws: 1.

Ranking of "disagreement as to what year the spouse last went to see his parents' lake property upstate" among causes of family friction: 1.

Minutes mother-in-law spent decrying the terrible, deadly unhealthiness of cheese in general and pizza in particular: 20.

Days later that the kidlet requested, and received, pizza for dinner: 1.

Times that the kidlet was called "dummy" in my hearing: 1.

Times that the kidlet was called "Miss Know-It-All" in my hearing: 1.

Times since our return that the kidlet has needed to be reminded that name-calling is rude: 3.

Times spouse said, "Now do you understand why I am the way I am?": 12.

Hours of genuine solitude achieved (while awake and not in the bathroom): 1.

Percentage success in surviving by substituting hidden stash of dark chocolate M&Ms for solitude: 10.

Meetings and other scheduled commitments that I have skipped since returning home on Tuesday: 3.

How glad I am to be home: Cannot be expressed in numbers.