My family vacation, numerically

[resonant]

Hours spent walking through San Francisco with the spouse, gawking at things and having obscure conversations: 16.

Peet's mochas consumed: 3.

Percentage success at avoiding sunburn: 75.

Percentage success at not ogling two balding fortyish men who were laughing and giving each other back massages and being most charming in Yerba Buena Park: 50.

Hours spent sitting on an uncomfortable futon couch watching television with the in-laws: 30.

TV shows seen for the first time (including House, American Idol, and Teletubbies): 7.

Hours spent watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune: 6.

Times the in-laws told me I ought to audition to be a contestant on Wheel of Fortune: 12.

Minutes I was able to tolerate The Apprentice before rudely fleeing the family room to read at the kitchen table: 7.

Minutes of internet access scraped together from public library visits: 60.

Attempts to read SGA smut on library computer with the screen type size turned really, really small: 2.

Percentage success at not drawing attention to self by blushing, squirming, and looking over shoulder: 50.

Minutes before giving up and settling for bulletin boards and eBay: 15.

Times the in-laws played the good CDs we bought them on our last visit: 0.

Times the in-laws played Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits: 5.

Conversations on the predicted death of Social Security and Medicare: 5.

Conversations on the predicted coming of World War 3: 4.

Conversations on the rising cost of California real estate, with examples: 24.

Fights that resulted in one of the in-laws slamming out of the TV room: 2.

Fights that resulted in someone slamming out of the house: 0.

Ranking of this visit on the list of Most Peaceful Visits To The In-Laws: 1.

Ranking of "disagreement as to what year the spouse last went to see his parents' lake property upstate" among causes of family friction: 1.

Minutes mother-in-law spent decrying the terrible, deadly unhealthiness of cheese in general and pizza in particular: 20.

Days later that the kidlet requested, and received, pizza for dinner: 1.

Times that the kidlet was called "dummy" in my hearing: 1.

Times that the kidlet was called "Miss Know-It-All" in my hearing: 1.

Times since our return that the kidlet has needed to be reminded that name-calling is rude: 3.

Times spouse said, "Now do you understand why I am the way I am?": 12.

Hours of genuine solitude achieved (while awake and not in the bathroom): 1.

Percentage success in surviving by substituting hidden stash of dark chocolate M&Ms for solitude: 10.

Meetings and other scheduled commitments that I have skipped since returning home on Tuesday: 3.

How glad I am to be home: Cannot be expressed in numbers.

Comments

[imkalena.livejournal.com]

My mother, and also my beloved late mother-in-law: Priceless.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

[envies you]

My mother is fine. I could live with my mother, totally, though she has some minor annoying habits. (I don't think I could live with my father unless I was allowed a cattle prod. And most of his faults are the same as mine, too.)

My mother-in-law? Has many fine qualities, But.

[ecaterin.livejournal.com]

Holy shit, Res. I would not ever, ever go back :( For the name-calling alone!

*sticks many many forms of chocolate through the modem* You need to recover!!!

em

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you.

When we get to the point of being able to send each other nonvirtual chocolate, and also to the point of being able to mute the actual living people who are talking too loudly on their cell phones two tables over -- then technology will really be serving us rather than the other way around.

[movies-michelle.livejournal.com]

Glad you're back and relatively unscathed. And apparently with a deeper understanding of the spousal unit. :-)

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

My answer always being, "Yes, and you're at least 50% less irritating than anyone else in your family, so you're a triumph."

dummy?

[darthfox.livejournal.com]

by her GRANDPARENTS?

[snarls]

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

And the stunning stupidity she committed?

There are two closets upstairs. One is called "the closet." The other, for some unknown reason, is called "the attic." We had been there two days, and her Gram sent her upstairs for something out of "the closet," and called her "dummy" when she found her looking in "the attic" instead.

[fumes]

[aruna-sharat.livejournal.com]

Seems like you really had fun ;-)

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Oh yes. Loads o' fun. Fun like twelve days of jury duty, only with bad food.

[minotaurs.livejournal.com]

Ah, but does your family spend hours playing "What trip was that?" - where we endlessly rehash the various travels we've been on, separately or together, and every. single. meal. eaten on said trips?

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Oh, lord. No, but his parents are enough older than mine that they date things by when so-and-so died, and then argue about what he died of, and how long he was in the hospital first.

Argh!

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

Hours spent with me: 0

Why didn't you tell me! I could have rescued you for a while! We could've gotten giggly and fannish and you could've breathed!

):

Sorry it was such a rotten trip.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Damn! I had no idea.

Next time. Absolutely. Next time you meet me at an actual decent restaurant in San Fran (because I didn't even mention my mother-in-law's cooking, or the constant coaxing of the kidlet to eat a little more, eat some more, come on, you can eat more than that) and we'll talk about something that's actually, you know, interesting.

I have to go at least once a year.

[laurashapiro.livejournal.com]

I know so many good restaurants here, too.

Absolutely, next time. Good food *and* good conversation.

Poor you! Poor kidlet! ):

[meredyth-13.livejournal.com]

You poor darling! I've been lucky in this regard, but have a dear friend whose mother and father are even worse (honestly) - and I know what sort of strain that puts on her and her hubby every time they visit, not to mention the effects on the kids.

One thing you can absolutely take heart from - you are officially nominated for the humanitarian award of the year - for rescuing your poor spouse and providing him with a safe haven from teh horrible!

Oh, and given that it's SF - I suggest next time you arrive wearing a Tshirt that says "I came to SF for the pretty boy sex, and all I got was this mother-in-law"... if nothing else, at least it would give them something else to argue about - and if you start discussing the (fictional?) details of Barry Mannilow's other life as a drag queen called Minerva at a local club, they might just explode.

Just good to have you back in mostly one piece! *hugs*

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[astolat]

Glad that you *did* survive, against all the odds, and are safely home again!

P.S. Some disks should be arriving shortly... here's hoping at least one of them works this time!

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

[squeezes you]

[norah.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Tell me and Laurashapiro next time and we will rescue you for a breather!

I think it's funny that you come out to my state to visit your in-laws and I go to yours to visit mine. *is amused by stupid stuff*

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

[snicker] Could we just trade? I think these people would irritate me less if they weren't connected to me in an unseverable intimate lifelong way.

[norah.livejournal.com]

Sorry! I like mine a lot. *clutches nice in-laws*

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

I know, I know, sheriff. In-law russlin's a crime in this hear state.

[laurelwood.livejournal.com]

Times that the kidlet was called "dummy" in my hearing: 1.

Excuse me while I scrape my jaw off the table. This by her grandparents?

Welcome home; I'd be skipping meetings, too, just to spend extra time detoxing. (Yeesh, The Apprentice and Barry Manilow alone is enough to create shell-shock.)

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

They've got a really high family tolerance for name-callling. Fortunately the spouse learned better; he only tried it on me once, back in college. (Fortunately the name he called me was "tack-head," which was so funny that I was able to have a giggle fit first and calm down before explaining that, no, civilized people do not call each other names.)

[netbyrd.livejournal.com]

oooh. I have in-laws like that. They prefer to bestow the adorable nickname of "little shit" on my children. That's a lovely one. I always have to do vocabulary decontamination when I leave Chicago.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Eek. That's even worse.

But it reminds me that one of these days the kidlet is going to be old enough that we'll have to explain to her not to listen to what Pop says about the Jews.

[estrella30.livejournal.com]

dude, all of that is bad enough before the name calling.

so glad you're finally home!

*hugs*

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

I *know*! I'm so glad to be away from it all.

[nattish.livejournal.com]

There are dark chocolate M&Ms?

:O

[mmeguilotn.livejournal.com]

http://us.mms.com/us/mpire/

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Yes. Yum.

[giglet.livejournal.com]

Dude. Welcome back.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I did not kiss the ground, but it was a near thing.

Awww...

[barbana.livejournal.com]

You were an hour away from me. Well it sounds like some of the visit was fun. At least a weee bit.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Damn. What I missed.

There were fun times, just not enough of them.

[endaemion.livejournal.com]

They make dark choclate M&M's???

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes, they do. (http://www.livejournal.com/users/resonant8/83458.html) And they're glorious.

[lobelia321.livejournal.com]

How I love this. It's bulletin points turned into real-life fic.

I am actually getting ideas here for my Dudley/Draco fic....

It makes me wish I still had in-laws. I especially love 'now do you understand why I am the way I am?' Ah, t'joys of family life in all its forms.