A possibly unwise post

[resonant]

I don't want to cause anyone pain or add to anyone's burdens.

But if you have depression or an anxiety disorder, and you've been putting off getting treatment because of the familiar litany of internalized self-hatred --

... Other people have it much worse than I do ...
... I'm not really sick; I just need to suck it up and deal with real life ...
... My pain is not important enough to justify professional help; I'd just be wasting someone's time ...
... Really most of it I'm just making up or exaggerating ...
... I can work, so I must be fine, right? ...

-- then what I want to say to you is this: If you were to go out today and find a counselor (or a different counselor, one who works better for you), I can promise you that there is someone in your life, someone who loves you, who would be so happy. Someone who would feel like it was their birthday and the FedEx truck just pulled up in front of their house. Someone who would feel like some horrible ear-splitting noise had just suddenly ceased.

Is this selfish of me? Possibly. If it sounds like that to you, ignore it; as I say, I don't want to make anyone's life more difficult. But if you're not treating your pain because you think that you're the only one who has to live with it, I can assure you that you're mistaken.

Comments

[kumquatweekend]

It's very possible I needed to hear this. That litany sounds far too familiar.

But it also includes, "... We barely have enough to make it through the month. That money would be coming out of the grocey budget..."

So there's that.

[incidental_fire]

I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to butt in here for a minute - I hear you that there's never enough money to go around, and it's so hard to make a decision supporting your own mental health when the feeding of other people is at stake. One thing I would suggest is that there's often free or low-cost services available at training clinics, if there are any near you (often associated with universities). Do you have to see a trainee? Usually, yeah, but they're typically supervised to within an inch of their lives, so in many ways you're still getting the experience of a seasoned professional.

Anyway, I know that people often aren't aware of resources like that, so I just wanted to offer a suggestion.

[sara]

I don't think it's unwise, and I've been living with chronic depression and an anxiety disorder for more than twenty years.

When you live with this thing, your brain lies to you. No matter how smart you are. Sometimes there are things you can do to make it lie a little more quietly or less often.

[malnpudl]

That is so very well stated. Yes. Exactly.

(More than 40 years, here.)

[daemonluna]

Yes. This. As someone with a spouse with chronic pain problems and all the resultant fun side effects, medication-related and otherwise, yes.

[resonant]

Man, I can only imagine. A chronic pain disorder was one of the reasons behind one of my cousins getting divorced.

[ecaterin]

This is definitely worth saying. Those of us who deal with this crap for decades easily fall into the deception that we're compensating well....when anyone who loves us could tell us we're not. Even if you were very balanced on your meds 5 years ago, you might not be now - ask your spouse & friends, cause you just can't trust your own evaluation when it's your own brain you're evaluating :)

[says the person who has known she needs a tertiary anxiety med for about 18 months.....gotta make that appt.]

[resonant]

I think it stinks that you can't just get meds that work and keep working. The brain's extreme adaptability is not always a blessing, I guess.

[amberfox]

For years, decades really, my mother assumed that everyone had random suicidal impulses but just never felt the need to talk about. After seeing how much "getting help" helped me, we were finally able to convince her to try something herself, and she says it's made a world of difference. She still has crappy days, but she doesn't think about "accidentally" driving the car into a bridge support anymore, so I'm calling it good.

[kumquatweekend]

my mother assumed that everyone had random suicidal impulses but just never felt the need to talk about [...] but she doesn't think about "accidentally" driving the car into a bridge support anymore

That is fucking exactly what it's like. Evil, evil, evil brain. So happy your mom is doing better.

[poala]

It took me a long time to realize how much i was hurting my family and friends. Now that I have been medicated for about two months I realize that I should have taken this step years ago. Anti Depressants are not that expensive mine cost me eight dollars a month. I feel better my family feels better and being able to not only get out of bed but to want to get out of bed is amazing.

[resonant]

It's so great to hear stories where thing work the way they're supposed to!

I have a lot of sympathy for people who have depression and similar disorders, and I'm sure that the depressed people themselves are suffering far more than those who love them. Which is why I hesitated to make this post, and also why it took me years to say these things out loud to my friend -- it feels like piling on someone who's already hurting. I don't think I would have said it at all if there hadn't already been some treatment happening.

[amalthia]

It's sort of scary that I've used every one of those lines to justify not getting help for my own depression and anxiety. I really should seek help. When I'm having good days I can sort of think that maybe the bad days are over but then when the bad days happen I'm too unmotivated to do anything to help myself.

[sanj]

This is why I think everyone should have a counselor, like a dentist. If we were in the habit of getting regular check-ups, or we had a number on our fridge for when things weren't going well, then maybe we wouldn't have to face the effort of trying to find help when we feel unmotivated or too anxious to make good decisions.

Even having someone on call doesn't always work, but it can help. That's why trying to find a therapist while you are in relatively good spirits is a good idea. Like you said: when you are are having a bad day, it's too much work to have to lift yourself up.

Hang in there.

[misspamela]

Yes. YES. The amount of compensating someone has to do when living with someone with mental illness is so much more than anyone can imagine. And how many times you say, "Maybe if I do ____, they'll have a better day," then taking it personally when they don't.

[resonant]

This story is not familiar to me at all, no no.

I was saying to Laura elsewhere that only after the Depressed Person sought counseling did it occur to me that over the course of our lives, my "providing a shoulder to lean on because that's what friends do" had shaded into "providing ignorant and possibly harmful amateur therapy." It is so good to say, "Hey, better discuss that with Dr. Mindful" rather than [sigh] "Well, sit down and tell me about it, and maybe I can help you figure it out sometime before midnight again."

[beledibabe]

::wild applause::

Thank you!

[resonant]

That's why we have fandom, isn't it -- so we can whine to people other than the people we're whining about.

[fox]

a) [applause]

b) [[[hugs]]]

[resonant]

[[[hugs]]] right back atcha. It's just one of those emotional ripple effects, you know? Pain seems to want to reproduce itself.

[riverlight]

Applause for this post, and big hugs to everyone who posted in response!

[resonant]

People have been very brave, haven't they?

[linaerys]

It was realizing this that made me get help in the first place, three and a half years ago. I wasn't willing to do it for myself, but I was willing to do it for my husband. I hope this helps someone--I think it can be a very helpful, not selfish, message, because sometimes that is the push people need.

[resonant]

I really hope it comes across like that, and not like another blow to the head for people who are already feeling beaten up by life.

[laurashapiro]

I agree 100%. Thanks for saying it.

[resonant]

It's really amazing, the weight it took off my shoulders when I realized that it wasn't Depressed Person and me vs. this demon; it was Depressed Person and me and Dr. Mindful. (Scarily, it brought home how much my "providing a shoulder to lean on, because that's what friends do" had become "providing unlicensed, untrained, and possibly harmful amateur therapy.")

[carmencatalina.livejournal.com]

Ouch.

I suppose the fact that this post is so unpleasant for me to read probably means something . . .

[resonant]

Would it help if you thought of it as permission, instead? As if you were pregnant and I told you to go ahead and take another one of these delicious oranges, because it wasn't just you that your body was nourishing?

[greenlily]

Yes. Yes. Especially this: Someone who would feel like some horrible ear-splitting noise had just suddenly ceased.

[resonant]

Yeah, that's truly what it feels like. I can't believe how much more energy I have; I can only imagine how much more the Depressed Person has.

[lookfar.livejournal.com]

As someone who has gotten lots of therapy, and is a therapist, and has pushed her husband to address mental health issues, I give you a hearty cheer for this post. And yes, a disease that makes you think you don't have a disease - that's a perfect description of depression. And there are many different treatments to suit different personalities; CBT is more standardized than the usual psychodynamic psychotherapy, meds can help but you can get better even if they don't, and lots of people get better just by addressing it consciously.

[resonant]

Wow, you've got expertise from both sides.

Sometimes when I talk to the Depressed Person, it's like I can almost hear the voice of the depression itself, whispering all the reasons why action is impossible.

Dr. Mindful has asked the DP to write down all doom-filled thoughts, so the other day the DP said, "I just feel like it's being self-indulgent to do this," and I said, "Write that down," and the DP said, "Yeah, yeah, now nobody has to listen to the content of what I say because it's all the depression talking," and I said, "Yeah, write that one down, too."

[giglet]

Might be unwise, but someone's gotta speak truth to depression.

Thank you.

[resonant]

I don't want to hurt anyone, but I think people underestimate how much they're already hurting, and hurting others as well.

[sanj]

Actually, it's the wisest thing I've seen on the web in a while.

Thank you.

[resonant]

Well, I hope it helps more than it hurts.

[ainsley]

Thank you. I am trying so hard to get this message through to my brother, and the post may give me spoons for another go-round of it.

[resonant]

It's so hard. Hard for him, too, I know.

[laurajv]

GODDAMMIT YOU HAVE BEEN TALKING TO MY MOTHER, HAVEN'T YOU? :(

(Hey, Mom, you know how a number of your kids have depression and anxiety disorders? And your mom did, and several of your siblings? Guess who else has AT LEAST major depression and quite probably anxiety disorder? I'll give you three guesses, MOM.)

[resonant]

Oh, dear. That makes me wonder whether depression is hereditary, or whether it just causes the sort of parenting behavior that results in depression in the kids.

[kiezh]

I agree with this entry, and I would also add:

If someone else is saying these things to you, someone who loves you and claims to have your interests at heart...

a) Consider the idea that they are WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. Quite possibly things really are as bad as you think they are, and anyone who tells you otherwise is being willfully ignorant (or possibly malicious, but it can be hard to tell).

b) Consider the idea that the person who is echoing your internal litany may in fact have their own litany of crazy, and they are actually projecting their issues and toxic coping mechanisms on you. You don't have to accept or believe what they say.

Sometimes people who love you want you to get help, this is true! Sometimes they want to believe that you don't need help, because of what they fear that would say about them. Sometimes the same person feels both ways at once, and will confuse the hell out of you. :/

[resonant]

Consider the idea that the person who is echoing your internal litany may in fact have their own litany of crazy, and they are actually projecting their issues and toxic coping mechanisms on you.

Oh, god, yes. I had a similar experience when I realized that the horrible fat-bashing I got from my mother when I was a child/teenager was just a tiny little sample of the voice that was (apparently still is) going on in her head all the time!

Sometimes people who love you want you to get help, this is true! Sometimes they want to believe that you don't need help, because of what they fear that would say about them. Sometimes the same person feels both ways at once, and will confuse the hell out of you. :/

And even a person who means well (like, for instance, me) will sometimes do unhelpful things like one time say "I really seriously think you ought to get some counseling" and the next time say politely, "No, no, you didn't hurt my feelings, it's fine."

[the_ragnarok]

Thank you so much for posting this.

It can get worse if you are seeking treatment, but it takes time - as those things do - and your loved ones inquire if it's really working, and it takes all your mental energy to remember that they're not blaming you for wasting common resources, they just want you to get better.

Depression and anxiety can be pretty fucking awful, but I don't think facing them is as terrifying as having to watch someone you love do the same: at least I know what's going on inside my head, and I'm not quite as completely helpless in the face of it as my husband is.

[resonant]

your loved ones inquire if it's really working, and it takes all your mental energy to remember that they're not blaming you for wasting common resources, they just want you to get better.

I'm glad you made this comment, because it gave me an example of Things Not To Do with the Depressed Person.

When the spouse's sister went into AA, after about her second meeting their father said to her, "Now that you've got the alcoholism taken care of, you ought to quit smoking." Seriously.

[commodorified]

May I link to this?

[resonant]

Of course!

[hoosierbitch]

Is it okay if I post this on my DW, saying that it's copied and pasted directly from your post, with a link back here? If not, I would love to just rec it. Because. Yes.

[resonant]

Either way you want to do it is fine with me!