Kitchen Avengers

[resonant]

Whenever I'm exploring new characters, I always enjoy asking myself two things: Can they sing? and Can they cook?

Tony (all these people are film canon only, sorry): Well, we have canon that he can't make an omelet, and my first reaction was, if you can't cook an omelet with twenty-first century nonstick technology, you can't cook anything. But then I reconsidered, because an omelet actually requires a peculiar sort of kitchen zen: you have to pay it continuous benign attention without monkeying with it. And Tony's attention does not work that way.

But what if you gave him a food where the whole point was to monkey with it? Like stir-fry -- once it's in the pan, you basically have to just keep messing with it. Also it's done really quickly, which is good given who we're talking about here.

Also I suspect Steve does all the tedious chopping for him.



Steve: This isn't based on any genuine knowledge, but I have the image of military food of that time period as just being, you know, throw it all in a pot with some water and simmer it all day long. So I imagine Steve can cook anything that benefits from that kind of treatment. Beans. Pot roast. Stew.

Also I think he can peel potatoes all day long. Talk about zen. Potato after potato after potato, and when someone tries to talk to him, it takes him a second to reconnect with real life.

On the other hand, if he wanted to, I think he could learn to be a good cook. Super senses and reflexes would help, of course, and as someone who this very day carved an ugly parenthesis starting at the tip of her thumb and digging half an inch into her thumbnail using a potato peeler, I think a cook could definitely benefit from accelerated healing. But also -- I think that he's suffered enough deprivation to appreciate abundance, and also that he'd be more comfortable up to his elbows in onions than out sitting at a restaurant table waiting for someone else to serve him.

So I can imagine that eventually he develops some real skill in the kitchen. But your modern-day desserts, your creme brulee and molten flourless chocolate cakes and basil-nasturtium sorbets, don't do anything for him. He wants to make vanilla pudding and custard pie and sponge cake.

The first time someone tells him he can make a decent strawberry shortcake in December, he probably gets tears in his eyes.

I don't really know the rest of the Avengers well enough to predict. But unless there's canon contradiction of this, I'm going to say Natasha can't cook at all. Not even a pot of coffee. Not even a cup of instant coffee. And she takes care to demonstrate this for every new group of teammates, because she knows very well what happens to women who work with men and let the word get out that they can cook.

Rhodey strikes me as a guy who can do bachelor cooking (grilled cheese, scrambled eggs, some weird concoction involving hamburger and cream of tomato soup), but also has one or two recipes that are big and impressive and dirty every dish in the kitchen. Really good chili, say, or ribs with a sauce that is his own invention and has twenty-eight ingredients.

Fury? I could go two ways on Fury.

(1) No one knows whether he can cook. No one has even ever seen him eat. It's rumored he subsists on the souls of the damned.

(2) He cooks like a normal guy. He particularly enjoys a good steak. It's purest coincidence that one of his arch-enemies has parallel burn marks on his palms.

Pepper? When do you think was the last time Pepper had time to cook?!

Coulson can cook, oh, hell, yes. Coulson can cook anything. Things that require practiced delicacy of touch, like homemade tortillas or lattice-top pie crusts. Things that require main force, like chicken cutlets pounded paper-thin and wrapped around fillings. Things that taste just like what your grandmother made (whether your grandmother made fried chicken livers, like mine, or stuffed cabbage rolls, or bolognese, or sauerkraut buried in the yard, or pork with homemade mandarin pancakes, or whatever) -- and also things that taste just like Ferran Adria made them.

He also once tied up two intruders with his apron strings. For the third one he had to make do with skewers and kitchen twine.

Comments

[j00j]

I find this kind of character exploration fascinating.

Apparently you're not the only one thinking about cooking... I read a story recently where Steve still felt guilty about using so much white sugar because he hadn't gotten over the whole rationing experience yet. Ah yes, this one. http://archiveofourown.org/works/284702
Hm, I'd be kind of interested to see how he'd take to all of the different kinds of food available in the present-day US (and wherever else they travel...). Wonder what he'd particularly enjoy, or learn to cook.

Oh, also recently read an entertaining ramble about Tony kludging together a ridiculous panini maker... Ah yes, it was this http://gyzym.tumblr.com/post/13580471437/bedtime-story-once-upon-a-panini-sandwich

[resonant]

I read and enjoyed both of those, of course! In fact, they may be the reason it was the cooking and not the singing that was foremost on my mind.

[rhi]

::grinning:: Oh, man, I love the idea of this. This and 'what kind of fanfic would they write?' which is also a blast.

I suspect the only thing Natasha *can* make is a single good cup of coffee and something with microwave instructions. And I'm pretty sure that Thor believes food appears on plates in front of you.

[resonant]

In Thor's experience, I'm betting that's exactly what happens.

I like the idea of what kind of fanfic they'd write, because, like, Tony's always getting in flame wars and having to come back with a different pseud.

[brownbetty]

I bet Thor has a firm grasp of the put-it-on-a-stick-and-stick-it-in-the-fire school of cooking, and kind of doesn't get why women act like cooking is a big thing. C'mon, it's not that hard, once you find a good stick!

[isweedan]

I really really appreciate these thoughts. They are awesome thoughts.

[resonant]

Hee -- I have to spend my entire weekend cooking, one way or another (and I made chicken potpie tonight, and it was pretty good, if I do say so myself, though a bit heavy on the sherry) -- might as well entertain myself with the image of Steve and a Cuisinart.

[celli]

He also once tied up two intruders with his apron strings. For the third one he had to make do with skewers and kitchen twine.

*starryeyes* You're my favorite.

[resonant]

Coulson once deep-fried a Thanksgiving turkey in a receptacle he and Tony geeked up out of a rejected prototype Captain America shield.

Fair warning, I love cooking.

[jamjar]

Tony likes to watch Heston's Feasts. I firmly believe this to be true. By watch, I mean in the Tony sense, where he has it on while he's doing other things. Seriously, though, I think he has at least a brief crush on Heston when he's watching him make the Drink Me Drink for the Alice in Wonderland feast.

I think Tony can cook, when he has the urge, but he only makes a thing once. Once he's cooked it right, he's got no desire to cook it again, ever. I think Pepper's probably knocked on his door in the morning to find him sprawled out in the kicthen with twenty different green tea chocolate mousses, that he's spent all night trying to get right, in a fit of insomnia. I think all his food-comfort is based purely on association with others-- toast that the housekeeper he had as a kid made, pizza from a particular place near MIT that he gets flown in. He doesn't enjoy

And even though there's no reason for it, I think he also watches Nigel Slater's Simple Suppers because there's something so comforting about it.*

With you on Coulson, and I'd go further to suggest that he likes food that requires a delicacy of touch. Not necessary molecular gastronomy, but food that takes a certain degree of care and specificity. He likes the precision, the attention, the fact that you have to do it undisturbed. He also likes making a victoria sponge, because the fact that you weigh the eggs and then that's as much sugar and flour as you use, it just appeals to him. His current favourite recipe book is Ottolenghi.

Steve likes cooking. He spent a lot of time doing it when he was a kid- something that maybe some of the other kids used to make fun of him about, spending so much time in the kitchen with his ma, or Bucky's, but they always wanted to try feeding him up and he associates a warm kitchen with goodness. He is, quietly, in love with how easy it is to cook now, how he can always get the ingredients he needs, how he never needs to worry about running out of ham, how he can make everything all the time, and he can always get tomatoes and kale and chicken, nothing's ever really out of stock and almost ever out of season. He's also quietly horrified when he finds out about things like cholesterol, salt, transfats and realises just how bad some of the food he used to eat, some of the food they still do eat, is, healthwise. He doesn't need to worry about it, or Thor, but god, Tony! And Natasha and Clint!

He is also, tentatively, branching out into cooking Asian and African food. He likes peanut soup and he's thinking about getting a tagine for Christmas.

You know the saying "Cooking is an art, baking is a science"?

Rhodey is the king of the slow-cooker. Does a lot of meat in it- mmm, slow-cooked Indian spiced lamb so it's just falling apart- but also soups, bolognase, chili. He likes homecooked food, he gets a certain satisfaction out of making it himself, and he can put it on in the morning, go to work and it's fine.

I kind of believe that Pepper can't cook. Well, if she had to, she could look up how long to boil an egg for and do it according to the instructions, but on the whole, she just doesn't. There are other people out there who can cook better, so why not just get the food from them? Why make a sag paneer when you can order one that's better? Why spend an hour in the kitchen making applebread, when you can order it from the best bakery in the west coast and have it delivered? That's one of the things she likes about her job, the luxury of being able to do things like that, of never having to waste her time.

Re: Fair warning, I love cooking.

[jamjar]

Oh, an just to add-- Thor doesn't cook, never having had any need to, but he does view cooks as people worthy of respect and is very polite to them.

[rydra_wong]

Permission to link and to encourage everyone to join in with their own fandoms?

[resonant]

Of course!

[spuffyduds]

This is quite wonderful. And now I'm pining for fried chicken livers.

[resonant]

I had some yesterday. Whenever I cook a whole chicken, I always eat the liver. Cook's reward.

[surexit]

(1) No one knows whether he can cook. No one has even ever seen him eat. It's rumored he subsists on the souls of the damned.

AMAZING.

I am going to shamelessly copy this idea for a post tomorrow, when it's not 1am anymore. COOKING IS THE WINDOW TO THE SOUL.

Cooking is the window to the soul

[resonant]

It so is! I mean, I suppose anything could be, but cooking is so fundamental.

SG-1 (spoilers for The Ark of Truth)

[green_grrl]

Canonically, Sam is a terrible cook, yet she can also bake cookies--cooking and baking are not the same thing. While Cam was in the infirmary after getting thrashed by the Replicator, she brought him homemade macaroons. After she was sure he was over any post-treatment nausea. Nausea and macaroons do not go well together.

Daniel has picked up a little of everything after being interested in what was going on in the camp cooking in Egypt, Greece, the Yucatan ... and as close as the women would let him get to the cooking in Abydos. Not that you can pick up mastadge steaks at the Whole Foods in Colorado Springs. He makes a killer Mexican breakfast, Jalisco style, thanks to his roommate when he was a 16 year old at UCLA, who dragged him home to East LA on the weekends to be part of the extended family. When left to his own devices, though, he absently fills himself with whatever is easy and has a repertoire of cheap and easy meals that reminds Jack of the Depression-era recipes Jack's dad had reverted to as a widower. Jack and Teal'c had had to rather strongly make clear to Daniel that if he was going to be working out he was going to need a little more fuel than cheese toast, fried egg sandwiches, or Ramen noodles.

Jack can cook, basic Midwestern dishes mostly, but usually doesn't really like to just for himself. It's why God created take out. He LOVES cooking for other people, though, particularly involving fire, meat, and beer.

Teal'c never learned to cook much aside from basic camp cooking, and Jaffa aren't particular about their food. You fuel yourself so you can fight for your god--that's about it. He surprised himself on Earth by developing a palate. Everything was so new and different, and the Tauri pay so much attention to the taste of food, that he developed preferences for the first time. It was amusing to watch Cassie, Nyan, and Jonas go through the processing of sampling all the new tastes, as well. The commissary and invitations to restaurants and to friends' homes take care of most of his food needs, but when he had the brief experience living in his own apartment it was Walter, of all people, who gave him an efficient crash course in Cooking for the Bachelor Man.

Re: SG-1 (spoilers for The Ark of Truth)

[resonant]

I especially love the idea of Teal'c having preferences for the first time, liking this better than that, discovering that there's something about the texture of cheesecake that he does not like or that he can't enjoy a candy bar if it doesn't crunch.

[neotoma]

For Steve and cooking, you might want to check out the online info from the What's Cooking, Uncle Sam? exhibit. I went to see the exhibit with a friend, and we both came out of it wanting a story about Steve's culture shock over 21-st century American food culture.

Seriously, Steve grew up in a 1930's tenement in Brooklyn. He probably puts extra fat into every dish now that he can afford to, and still thinks of butter and milk as different food groups.

Hee! Coulson as Secret Awesome Chef... of course he is!

[resonant]

> Steve's culture shock over 21-st century American food culture.

I've been thinking about that, too! If you ever look at vintage_ads, you'll see lots of interesting things about the foods of that era. Lots of concern about adding protein to meals (hence all that jello), lots of recipes to help people cope with wartime rationing. Not to mention the things we think of as staples that were then only available seasonally.

And yet I'm pretty sure that the strawberries baby Steve could have for three weeks in June tasted a lot better than the ones I can go down and buy from the supermarket tonight.

[metaphasia]

I find this post strangely relevant to my life. I just tried to cook scrambled eggs this morning and it turned into a half omelet thing, so I find the Tony section entirely understandable.
And on that note, I think that Tony can cook food by just throwing a bunch of stuff in a pan and heating it and it winds up being just a mountain of food that looks terrible, but is delicious.

[resonant]

I can see that! It would be like those weird green shakes. "I'm not eating that, because it's oozing, and it's making strange squeaking noises in the pan," Steve would say, and Tony would say, "Sbbt ybrsblf," with his mouth full.

[hivesofactivity]

When I read this, my mind instantly went to Jim/Blair. So much cooking, so much salad, so much touching in the kitchen...

I think Jack O'Neill can cook perfectly well for himself, but he does the Giant Incinerated Chunks O' Meat Onna Grill thing when he has big parties, partly because he actually does like barbeque, but also because he's sort of performing himself (I love this concept of Jack performing himself, but didn't invent it, and alas can't remember at the mo' who did), and incinerating meat in a manly, manly convivial way is what he's rather expected to do.

I think Merlin would be very practiced at making vegetable stew, the kind you keep on the fire and add bits to when you get them, as he wouldn't have had access to all that much meat growing up. I'm not saying it would be good vegetable stew, but it would fill you up and not give you the runs or poison you. Most of the posher knights wouldn't even regard this as a skill, however rudimentary, until they tried to do it.

[resonant]

I like the idea of Jack performing himself. And I like the idea that Merlin, unlike many people, would actually know which mushrooms and nuts and berries are poisonous. But unfortunately it's unlikely that he'd run across convenient patches of wild-growing garlic.

[minim_calibre]

It is SO TRUE that an omelet requires a totally different cooking vibe than most other things.

I say, as a good cook who hates making omelets. (My spouse, on the other hand, makes them well.) Coulson's omelets are things of beauty. They're almost supernatural in their perfection. No one who eats one of his omelets is ever satisfied with omelets from anywhere else.

[resonant]

I can do a workmanlike omelet as long as I have a good nonstick pan. Sometimes they're better than workmanlike, but sometimes I also have to butter toast, and that throws me off.

Coulson garnishes.

[panda]

Tony does make those weird green smoothies in his blender.

Now I'm picturing something where Fury subtly doesn't let Coulson get promoted because he secretly loves Coulson's cooking and doesn't want him to go anywhere else.

[resonant]

"Well, HQ does have a position in Paris. On the other hand, you promised me a white chocolate cherry birthday cake."

[thatyourefuse]

It's utterly impossible to cover every iteration of the Spooks team in one comment, even a Dreamwidth comment, so I'm just going to touch on the ones who come immediately to mind.

Harry and Ruth both eat a lot of Single Person Food: he's basically indifferent to what he eats so long as it isn't actually burned or gone off, and she's a fair to middling cook who finds making actual meals for one to be almost paralyzingly depressing.

Tom can feed himself and another person perfectly well, and probably picked up a few things from dating a woman who owned a restaurant. He makes brilliant pasta sauce.

Adam canonically appears to be fairly confident in a kitchen, and very likely can actually cook real Middle Eastern food -- the kind you learn to make by finding out where the locals eat and then begging abjectly for the recipe. Fiona teases him regularly that she only married him because he could cook; her culinary skills begin and end with cheese and pickle sandwiches and beans on toast.

Ros is the kind of person who owns a restaurant-quality gas range and uses it to make tea. She lives on toast, yogurt, fruit, and high-end takeaway, and utterly disdains the suggestion that she could learn how to feed herself; is there any point to cooking when you live in London and can afford to have food from every inhabited country on this Earth delivered to your door within thirty minutes? Besides, raw ingredients always go off before she can finish them.

Zaf loves making show-off food for girls; his specialty is chicken roasted with a spice mix he devised himself and claims to be in the process of trying to patent.

Connie can make a perfectly adequate shepherd's pie and the kind of sherry-soaked trifle that incapacitates small children at twenty paces and sends passing pedestrians bolting for twelve-step meetings, but generally actually lives on scrambled egg on toast.

Lucas is never going to get over being slightly paralyzed by the amount and variety of food on display in the supermarket. He copes by settling on seven to ten staple dishes that he can make easily, economically, and without reminding himself of anything in particular, and then never making anything else.

[bessemerprocess]

Even when cooking, Harry and Ruth are depressing. So sad.

[tygermama]

Darcy can make breakfast. anything you want; omelets, heuvos rancheros, french toast, hash browns, biscuits and red-eye gravy; if it's a breakfast food, she can make it. Just don't expect her to cook for less than six to eight people. She learned from her dad, who owns his own diner, and is used to cooking for her entire family. But if you need food for twelve in a snap and don't expect her to clean up afterwards, she's your girl.

Jane can make pizza. Her family used to make it from scratch once a week as a family thing.

Clint makes sammiches, not 'sandwiches'. They taste great but you're better off not looking too closely or asking what's in them.

Bruce finds making bread to be a very zen activity. He has his own sour dough starter in the fridge.

Agent Coulson once made a twelve course dinner for heads of state with nothing but a Zippo lighter and a Swiss Army knife. ;)

{}{}{} For The Losers (movie verse)

Clay can make coffee out of anything. Good coffee too, but that's it. We Do Not Speak of the Time Clay Tried To Make Toaster Waffles.

Pooch is the King of the Grill. Not only is he a brilliant barbequer, he can make a grill out of anything.

Jolene can cook and whatever she makes, the boys eat. Even if it's salad. She loves to experiment and try out new cuisines, so you never know if you're going to get chicken-fried steak and cornbread or curry or steak and kidney pie. Her consistent specialty is black forest cake with buttercream icing.

Cougar's job as a child was to help his grandma make the tortillas. Other than that, he just reads the directions on the packages or does what the women tell him if he's at Pooch or Jensen's sister's house.

Jensen makes yummy food out of thin air, or MRE's, or whatever's at the corner store, or the shifty lettuce and ambulatory cheese in the fridge that no one can remember buying. He doesn't follow recipes and can't bake to save his life, he tinkers with the recipes too much.

Jensen's sister can bake. She prefers making muffins or squares or such to making cookies. Too much time spent trying to bake in crappy apartment stoves that made cookie baking a huge hassle. Her brownies are coveted at school bake sales.

Aisha eats to live. You don't want to know the kind of stuff she's eaten.

Roque could bake, pastry chef quality stuff. He just never told anyone.

{}{}{} For Sherlock BBC

John can make basic bachelor food, read the directions on packages and makes excellent tea.

Sherlock can't do any of that but he has the takeaway numbers and menus for everyplace in a six block radius memorized.

Mrs Hudson is the only reason John and Sherlock haven't starved. Mycroft gives her extra money each month to cover their food bill, and for the treats she bakes for him.

Molly Hooper is a stress baker who donates her excess goods to a local homeless shelter.

Lestrade mastered the slow cooker in self-defense. He makes the best Guinness stew ever, it goes excellently with Molly's soda bread.

[resonant]

Agent Coulson once made a twelve course dinner for heads of state with nothing but a Zippo lighter and a Swiss Army knife.

Agent Coulson is the only person who can actually open a bottle of wine with that corkscrew in the Swiss Army knife.

Now I want to see Lestrade and Molly eating a nice, Sherlock-free meal together!

Inception

[fullygoldy]

Arthur makes a rosemary-scented hollandaise that is to die for, and has the knack for perfectly poached eggs, so Benedict is always a possibility.

Ariadne is a starving college student who knows her way around ramen, mac&cheese, and a killer grilled-cheese-and-peanut butter.

Eames, for reasons known only to him, makes an amazing lemon risotto, and passable gnocchi.

Cobb just let Mal cook, although he performed his husbandly duties re: grilling. Therefore, they actually ate food prepared by others 9 days out of 10.

Yusef was probably the best cook on the team, but he wasn't about to end up as the de facto cook.

Re: Inception

[resonant]

Yes, I can definitely see Yusuf being a good cook.

For some reason I've always had it in my head that Eames could be a quite good day-to-day cook, able to come up with good meals every evening and not just one big impressive candlelight feast. I really don't think Arthur cares very much what he eats, but maybe that's one more great spring of sensuality just waiting to be released.

[azurelunatic]

Kirk can definitely cook Bachelor Food (and survival food) when presented with ingredients, and has approximately three Showpiece Dinners, and can throw together a very elaborate breakfast-in-bed. Though mostly he goes with whatever the ship's dietician has programmed on his replicator card, because it's easier than making decisions about his food too, on top of everything else he has to decide about.

Spock mastered basic cooking as one more of the lessons in basic survival that all Vulcan children are required to complete. Amanda baked, despite the heat, and Spock learned that from her. After coming to Earth, Spock started cooking in self-defense, despite the lovely vegetarian and vegan restaurants around San Francisco, because nothing quite tasted right. Replicator food is not quite right either, although he has tweaked the programs. It is much easier in some situations to simply ensure that the basic ingredients are in the replicator, and construct things from scratch. Some of the kitchen has indicated an interest in Vulcan cooking, and he has been instructing them in some of his recreational time. It is an oddly soothing and meditative process.

[rydra_wong]

and has approximately three Showpiece Dinners

It was a standing joke about one of my relatives that in his youth, he had 6 spectacular dishes he could cook. After he'd worked his way through those, he either had to break up with the girlfriend or propose marriage.

[brownbetty]

I think Natasha can cook basic bachelor food, but she's a super-ninja-spy, and no one will ever observe her doing so.

[resonant]

Natasha is such a ninja that she can make microwave popcorn without anyone else being able to smell it.

AtLA

[adalger]

Here via rydra_wong.

Katara is too overconfident to think she needs to learn to cook, which I think adequately accounts for her cooking in canon.

Aang would rather not eat anything that needs to be cooked, if given his choice.

Zuko, in the course of canon, learns to at least make a decent cup of tea, and I suspect post-canon he learns some rather advanced culinary uses of firebending, but I am quite sure his starting point is flambee and cajun blackened.

Iroh, of course, is a master. He just prefers that sauce called "I didn't have to make it myself." So he would probably cheerfully eat whatever Katara prepared forever if it meant he didn't have to take a turn in the kitchen.

Sokka sees the involvement of food with fire as a way to make dead animals digestible. "Forest fire" and "mass production" are synonyms in his book.

Azula wouldn't sully her hands with the preparation of food. But she almost certainly knows the theory well enough to direct a kitchen staff in minute detail. What's the point of having servants if you can't demonstrate your superiority over them in the very things they're supposed to be good at?

Toph defines "cooking" as "what they do in the part of the restaurant I stay out of."

Mai enjoys the part where she chops things up. Flamboyantly. After that, it's just work.

here via rydra-wong

[archersangel]

few people in the trek universe cook (unless they don't have replicators)

sisko did, because his dad taught him, and you can be sure he taught his son jake everything he knew.
picard only cooks for special occasions. his mother taught him the old family recipes and of course he knows the perfect wine to go with all of them.
riker mostly cooked to impress women.
data tried to cook because he thought it was a "human" thing to do, but rarely succeeded.
pulaski knew a dozen or so recipes to cure what ails you, including her famous pulaski's chicken soup.
o'brien could do some amazing things with starfleet field rations.
quark served for eight years as a cook aboard a ferengi freighter & could only cook for 20 or more.
janeway could only "cook" with a replicator.
neelix could cook or bake just about anything. whether or not you could eat it was debatable.
archer could cook relatively easy things, like pasta, from a box or a kit.
phlox makes a few denobulan dishes for the holidays.
hoshi knows her all of grandmother's specialties, but after she became obsessed with making oden correctly she never cooked it again.

[mllesays]

This post is really neat!

Also this:

Steve: This isn't based on any genuine knowledge, but I have the image of military food of that time period as just being, you know, throw it all in a pot with some water and simmer it all day long. So I imagine Steve can cook anything that benefits from that kind of treatment. Beans. Pot roast. Stew.

is exactly what I think Hawkeye's relationship to cooking is.