Cultural sensitivity advice needed

[resonant]

So I had this brilliant idea to have a gift-making party for the kidlet's friends -- have them make Christmas tree ornaments and decorate bags to put them in. Plus putting frosting on gingerbread men.

Only the kidlet has at least one classmate who's of a different religion (Muslim) and doesn't celebrate Christmas.

So now I'm at a loss. I really don't want to invite every girl in the class but one*, but I also don't want to invite her and then only do activities that might make her feel uncomfortable or left out. And if I change the theme so that it's not so exclusive, then all my ideas for activities go right out the window.

Help?

* e.t.a I realize this sentence makes me look bad; I certainly never seriously considered this as a solution to the problem!

Also: wonder why I don't find it culturally insensitive to invite all the girls and none of the boys? I just figure this will prevent the famous Phoebe from spending the entire party in creepy and property-damaging third-grade seduction maneuvers.

Comments

[petronelle.livejournal.com]

Frosting gingerbread cookies doesn't sound necessarily Christmas, as long as you've got more interesting options for colors than red and green.

I can't speak to the prevalence of ornaments in Muslim homes, but again, it doesn't seem as though a glass ball with pretty colors on it is necessarily themed. We had them hanging in various places all year round in my agnostic household. If you've only got Santa or Jesus shaped ornaments, that's a different sort of issue.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Every kid I've mentioned this to has immediately focused on the cookies and had little interest in any other craft project. So evidently I don't have to worry about a houseful of dissatisfied kids of any religion* as long as there's sugar and gooey stuff.

* unless Jehovah's Witnesses have a problem with sugar and gooey stuff.

[libitina]

What about making gifts that are not ornaments? Maybe chocolate chip cookies or dolls that look like their parents (which they could add a loop to if they wanted to have it be an ornament, but don't have to) or something. Origami animals would be a cool thing that could be any sort of gift *or* an ornament.

And then you could have a variety of colors from which to make the bags, instead of just red, green, and white.

[libitina]

like their parents
or parental-type figures that they'd want to give a gift to...

[aliciajd]

This will only work if the friend has an English speaking parent...

If so, you could call the parent, explain what you want to do and that you really would like to include their child and find out their family's comfort level with such an activity.

Gingerbread men, snowmen, sleighs, icicles and snowflakes have no Christian connotations. If they are african-american, you could add a Kwanzaa decoration or three to the mix.

If they are American or have been here for a while you may be able to pull this off smoothly. If they are very conservative, newly here and you lack a common language, I have no ideas.

[catmoran.livejournal.com]

Seconding this.

Also, Christmas tree ornaments don't need to be hung from trees. They can be hung from a window latch, or from a magnet on the fridge.

[whatifisaidno.livejournal.com]

You could make it a "holiday party" or a "winter party" and use nondenominational symbols.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Yeah, after reading everyone's comments, I sent out snowflake invitations that said, "Craft party."

[boniblithe.livejournal.com]

You could make it a Holiday party, and include different options - could even be a fun learning experience for the kids.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

I ended up taking the lazier route of calling it a "craft party."

I wonder if they'll be talking about different holiday traditions at school? I know they celebrate Divali -- possibly the only school in central Illinois to do so.

[somewhatdeluded.livejournal.com]

Can I ask real quick, are you certain the Muslim kid doesn't celebrate Christmas? Most of my Muslim friends growing up did, but they were, for the most part, not from super conservative families, so I don't know how common that is.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

I don't actually know whether she celebrates Christmas or not. I know they're from another country but quite fluent in English, and I know the mom doesn't appear to be following any clothing rules (or at least no rules that wouldn't permit short-shorts).

Me myself, if I were living temporarily in a country with a different religious tradition, I'd probably be very eager to experience the traditions of that religion -- whereas if I'd been born there and planned to spend my entire life there as a religious minority, I'd probably be much more insistent on sticking only to my own traditions.

[ellen-fremedon.livejournal.com]

I agree that gingerbread men do not have to be exclusive. Just have a wide range of things to decorate them with-- colored frosting, but also little candies and sprinkles and colored sugar, maybe shredded coconut and food coloring to dye it with-- and let them go to town.

Ornaments are trickier-- there's a line between 'pretty thing that could be hung on a tree' and 'Christmas tree ornament,' but it's a very fine and fractally circuitous line.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

If I can find some cheap cookie cutters, maybe I'll do gingerbread animals as well. So far when I've talked to kids, it's been all about the cookies.

[rustler.livejournal.com]

ITA about the gingerbread men. As for the ornaments, what if they made/decorated snowflakes? People without Christmas trees could hang them in a window.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Yay! Paper snowflakes are fun for everybody. Maybe I can find some not-too-expensive vellum in the scrapbook aisle. Even our dollar store now has a scrapbook aisle.

[millefiori.livejournal.com]

I agree with aliciajd that talking to the parent(s) and finding out how comfortable they feel might be a good idea. And rather than changing the party, maybe make a special point of inviting her to learn a little bit about your family's religion/traditions. (And maybe she could decorate her ornament with something meaningful to her that isn't Christmassy?) Who knows, it may work out with the kidlet being invited to share in a Muslim celebration of some sort down the road, which would be cool and horizon-broadening.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

That would be very cool. (I'm not crazy about the kidlet's two best friends, and am always looking for what the Tech Goddess calls "an upgrade friend.")

[florahart]

http://www.daniellesplace.com/HTML/winter_crafts.html

http://www.apples4theteacher.com/holidays/winter/kids-crafts/index.html (those are kits, but that doesn't mean you can't get ideas)

http://familycrafts.about.com/od/wintercrafts/ (some seriously lame, but then, like, paper lanterns that could be ornaments, but also are "Chinese New Year" crafts or a couple of cute snowman ones etc)

and so on. I googled kids winter activities crafts.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Ooh, paper lanterns! That would be cool, and unlikely to wind up with someone injured or a big blob of paint on my (admittedly already very filthy) carpeting.

[rickey-a.livejournal.com]

being Jewish I totally come across this all the time
i agree w/everyone the gingerbread men aren't necc xmasy
as for the ornaments, maybe just have an extra craft or two available for her to choose like beads for a necklace or a pencil holder etc. but she may surprise you and choose to make an ornament since she probably has Christian friends maybe she'll want to make a present for one of her friends.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

I hadn't thought of that -- even if she doesn't celebrate Christmas, I'm sure she knows someone who does.

After reading everyone's suggestions, I've changed this to a craft party, so we'll only have one Christmas-specific thing and everything else just chosen on the basis of not making a mess or offering many chances of injury.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_minxy_/]

I have a muslim girlfriend and she has always wanted to be more a part of Christmas and the whole holiday all of us celebrated. I remember in college her begging us to not send her a special card; if it was important to us to celebrate our friends on this holiday, she wanted to be celebrated in exactly the same way. So we totally do. The friend who wrote 'happy holidays' instead of 'merry Christmas' on her card one year got mocked mercilessly. Ah, the college years.

So my suggestion would be this: have options. Have cookies of other shapes to decorate however she wants. If they're making Christmas tree ornaments, have them also making cut-out snowflakes to decorate windows, let the little girl make an ornament if she wants to, let her draw anything she likes, from Christmas trees to snowmen to Arabic or whatever on her bag, but include her. You needn't strip the party of all religious overtones to invite her; you can talk to her parents to make sure she knows she's welcome or to see if there's anything in particular that makes her feel excluded.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

The friend who wrote 'happy holidays' instead of 'merry Christmas' on her card one year got mocked mercilessly.

My college roommate solved this problem by sending someone a "Happy third birthday to my wonderful nephew!" card at Christmastime.

Options are good; there are lots of easy crafts that aren't particularly seasonal. Someone above suggested origami animals, which the kidlet is very enthusiastic about.

[bibliokat.livejournal.com]

I actually spoke to a parent about this, asking how she felt about holiday activities for her daughter who is Muslim. She said it wasn't a big deal and her daughter definitely knows about Christmas, so I agree with first speaking to the parents. They'll probably appreciate it!

Plus there are always "winter" activities like making snowflakes and snowmen. I also agree with the idea that ornaments aren't necessarily for Christmas trees. Go for it! Have fun! And please post about your activities, I need ideas;)

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

One of the cool things I've gotten out of this is how many crafts my friendslist knows how to do!

[laurelwood.livejournal.com]

Whenever I've been in charge of arts-n-crafts for a group of kids with different religious affiliations, I've always had good luck sticking with gingerbread men, gingerbread houses, and snowflakes, without anyone feeling left out or offended. It's nice that the "Can't Catch Me, I'm the Gingerbread Man" story as well as "Hansel and Gretel" deal with gingerbread in a totally non-Christmassy setting, just to make those images even more secular, if needed. I don't know what kind of ornaments you're planning to make, but it seems like a lot of ornaments I see nowadays could serve just as well as little figurines or knicknacks as they could as something to hang on the tree.

[norah.livejournal.com]

Yes! A holiday ginger cookie party! With snowflake cut-outs! My mother does gingerbread houses every December with our Jewish friends and their kids, and it's always a good time.

If you want to do double-duty with the cookies I have a recipe for a hard-drying white icing that can then be painted with food coloring, like, actually painted with paintbrushes and stuff. That's a fun activity!

[lcsbanana.livejournal.com]

Well, an early-December pretty-things-on-a-string party is gonna be Christmas tree ornaments no matter what you do. So...I mean, the girl is probably used to it, and I always used to love Christmassy stuff because it's pretty and never had any major angst that I can recall? But there's no way to de-Christmas that. The cookies, now, everyone loves cookies. *g* Just have lots of decorating options. Also bags for little presents are fun--again with plenty of non-Christmassy craft materials--since everyone gives gifts to someone *g* Just--you know. The Christmas tree is kind of a....thing, for the rest of us. And pretending that it's not a Thing is sometimes even more of a Thing.

Sorry to be so negative! It really probably isn't that big a deal; I second other people's suggestion to talk to her parents if you can--not in a whole big LET'S SHARE CULTURAL TRADITIONS way, just asking if she'd be uncomfortable at a Christmas party. Because probably she's used to it and won't be, and probably other kids will appreciate the opportunity to decorate their cookies pink and yellow instead of red and green for the tenth time in the last few weeks.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

I decided to just call it a craft party, and have the one Christmas-specific craft the kidlet wanted most (swirling paint inside clear glass ornaments) plus a bunch of other non-Christmasy ones.

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

Props to you for caring. (No, seriously, I mean that.) I'm with the others who've commented that cookies are pretty nondenominational (unless she's diabetic, odds are good she likes to eat cookies. *g*) Conferring w/ her folks could be a good idea, if you're comfortable doing it. Bear in mind that Jesus is revered by Muslims as a prophet, so celebrating his birth isn't likely to feel like anathema (at least, I hope not.)

On the whole, though, speaking as someone who was once a little Jewish kid, I always loved doing Christmassy stuff with my non-Jewish friends. Decorating their trees, making ornaments, frosting cookies, whatever -- that stuff was fun and I liked being included. I never felt like anybody was proselytizing to me or anything. *g*

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

That's cool! They're from another country, so an American Christmas may feel less like religious domination and more like a bunch of enchantingly foreign traditions. ("Why do you have a pickle on your tree? And a rat in a crown and ballet shoes?")

[malnpudl.livejournal.com]

I was also going to suggest calling the parents, which would also let you ask about dietary restrictions.

Sounds like a fun party.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

The latest angst isn't religion-related at all; it's that Carmen says she won't come if Jillian is coming, and Phoebe won't come unless Carmen comes, and ... ah, preteen girls. [sigh]

[mamadeb.livejournal.com]

Definitely call the parents first.

Not only might there simply be cultural things *but* there are also dietary restrictions (Halal has different strictnesses than kashrut, but like kashrut, there are also different levels of observance) *and* many (although certainly not all) Muslims take the injunction against graven images very seriously, so a gingerbread man *might* be a problem in and of itself. (That last can be solved very simply by providing geometric shapes as well as vaguely-human-if-you-squint shapes.)

And the parents will be happy to be consulted even if they have no problems with any of this.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Huh, I never thought about the human-shapes problem. Thanks for letting me know about that.

[cjk1701.livejournal.com]

Is talking to the girl's parent an option? Phrasing it in the most positive way possible: that you want to invite the girl but only if she won't find the activities uncomfortable. Quite a lot of parents, in my experience (Jewish and Christian holidays and people colliding in unexpected ways) will happily smooth the way for things to happen if you talk to them about it advance, and most children enjoy any excuse to Do Fun Stuff. Of course, if her family is very heavily religious it may be a problem - but don't forget that Jesus is one of the Moslem prophets. ;)

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm gathering that cookies cross all cultural boundaries, at least as far as the kids are concerned! That's a good idea, though. It turns out I know the mom a bit (hadn't made the connection between her and her kid) and she's friendly and fun and easy to talk to.

[tonicollins.livejournal.com]

Hm, one girl out of the whole class and the comment you make is: And if I change the theme so that it's not so exclusive.... Exclusive? One? Frosting gingerbread men does not scream "I'm forcing my religion on you"; Hell, the way Christmas is portrayed in this country doesn't scream that either.

Kids like cookies and getting presents. If everyone's included in that, they'll be happy.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Cookies, presents, crafts -- everybody wins. (Except the carpet, but when you have kids you have to be ready to sacrifice your carpet anyway.)

[amanuensis1.livejournal.com]

It isn't your responsibility to make a party everyone will like or that will offend no one. But there IS a responsibility not to snub people just because you're worried it may not be their type of party. Let the invitees decide that! Invite everyone, including this kid, and let the invitees decide whether to come. If parents or invitees have concerns about what will be done or what will be eaten, etc., they tend to pre-empt by calling and asking if it's all right if the child brings his/her own food, or does not participate in one particular activity etc. I see that all the time and the kids still have a good time and are glad they were included!

It sounds like your activities are quite secular to begin with, but even if you wanted to have a "Celebrate Christ" party, I'd say, have the party you want to have and invite everyone.

Though, yes, it's very nice of you to want to be inclusive with your party theme.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Well, it was more inspired by (1) wanting to offer the kidlet something as a substitute for the Halloween party that I was absolutely not willing to host, and (2) wanting to have some activities so I didn't have to entertain the kids or referee the inevitable preteen-girl fights.

So we ended up saying "Craft Party" on the invitations, which is a broader theme that lets me offer them lots of choices.

[miriam-heddy.livejournal.com]

At my daughter's school, they usually end the day by coloring. When I got there to pick her up this week, I heard one of her teacher's ask her, "So who is that? Santa Claus?"

Ellie had no idea what the teacher was talking about and didn't reply.

Yesterday, I took Ellie to Target in the morning on the way to school. As we were leaving the store, one of the people working there said to Ellie, "You know who's coming soon? Santa Claus!"

Ellie and I got in the car and she asked me what he was talking about. I told her that people often forget that not everyone is just like them, and he forgot that not everyone celebrates Christmas.

Over and over again, I face these moments, for months at a time, year after year. As she gets older (she's only 4 now), she'll start to understand, I think. But from my own experience, I know it can be hard.

One of the things I'd note is that if you have a bunch of Christmas things and then an "option," that places the one kid who's different in the position of having to decide, "Should I do what everyone else is doing, or stand out, be different, and maybe have to explain why." And that's a weird place to be--caught between peer pressure and your own family's culture, and often feeling like you're choosing wrong no matter what you do.

As for ornaments, by third grade, I was old enough to understand that when people used the word "ornament" and then told me that of course, I didn't have to hang it on a tree, I could hang it on the door," I inevitably left the party thinking maybe I should hide it from my parents, and feeling guilty because I knew that it was a Christmas ornament and I didn't have a tree. I can only explain the feeling by analogy--but it felt like going to a party and having a bunch of people making rings and knowing I didn't have a ring finger.

I guess my point is that however much it may seem like a generous thing to invite the minority members to "share" in your celebration, if they're at all observant of their own religion, there's always going to be a tension there that isn't there for all the other kids.

None of this is practical, so I'll end on the practical and say that gingerbread cookies are cookies, and as long as they don't have little red and white hats, they're just cookies. Bags as well, as long as the decorations aren't all green and red.

Ornaments... not so inclusive. I did like someone's suggestion of making snow flakes, though--as those reasonably can be hung in the window.

Anyway--don't know how helpful that is. But I must say I'm surprised that there's only one kid in the class not celebrating Christmas! I forget that the whole country isn't as diverse as my own son's school (where there are kids from just about every religion represented.

[pauraque]

One of the things I'd note is that if you have a bunch of Christmas things and then an "option," that places the one kid who's different in the position of having to decide, "Should I do what everyone else is doing, or stand out, be different, and maybe have to explain why." And that's a weird place to be--caught between peer pressure and your own family's culture, and often feeling like you're choosing wrong no matter what you do.

Yup.

[maggiebloome.livejournal.com]

You could make it an educational Happy Holidays party. Do Christmas stuff AND stuff for all the other holidays that are more or less in this season.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Yeah, we're broadening the theme to crafts in general.

Wonder if I can persuade them that running the carpet sweeper is a fun activity?

[jonquil.livejournal.com]

Does your school have a directory? Call the Muslim girl's mom and ask what she'd like you to do. In particular, ask if it's fine if she makes pretty things that aren't Christmas ornaments.

[resonant8.livejournal.com]

Good idea. Turns out I know her a little bit, and she's friendly and easy to talk to.

[villeinage.livejournal.com]

I agree with Miriam.

First, I appreciate your sensitivity in trying to think this through. But as a non-Christian former kid, I have to say, an ornament was always an ornament, and to say that you don't have to hang it on the tree is just avoiding the issue.
I (and now my kids) have enough ornaments to decorate a forest by now, sitting in various drawers.

Nothing screams "this is not for you" quite like ornaments to a non- Christian kid. Unless it's caroling and Christmas cookies. All of these are lovely, pleasant things to Christian kids, and may even have a certain aesthetically pleasing aspect to non-Christians, provided they are not saturated in them from October 31st onward.

I think a Christmas-themed party is quite appropriate for church friends--I do holiday activities for my daughter's youth group, for example.

I think, as some of the respondents here have suggested, that telling the Muslim kid to just get used to it isn't what you want.

But I do think you need to make up your mind: do you want to have a party for kids with craft activities, or do you want to have a Christmas party for kids with Christmas crafts?

Once you're clear on that, the rest should fall into place more easily, I think.

Just fwiw, don't try to have a semi-Christmas party and do semi-Christmas crafts. It's kind of the worst of both worlds.

To an outsider, it doesn't say: Look, they're being inclusive! It says: Look, it's a Christmas party! But they're pretending it's not! Hey, it's an ornament for my non-tree!

I'm speaking as a victim of many, many "Holiday Parties."

Just my opinion, of course.

[cellia.livejournal.com]

I agree with this. As a non-Christian with many Christian friends in the mostly-Christian USA (and not hugely religious myself) I'm a believer in the "go along" idea, and I don't get bent out of shape that Christian is usually the cultural default. (As well as the fact that many Xmas trappings aren't hugely religious.)

But it's obvious that these things are not quite for me and I'm obviously an outsider joining in with someone else's cultural practices. That's fine, the type of price anyone pays for being in whatever subculture/minority/etc (and I know many Xmas carols by heart and love to decorate trees), but be aware that you are doing something slightly exclusive (like inviting your vegan friend to a meat-only bbq). So, like villeinage says above, decide if you want the Christmas party or the holiday party and plan accordingly. Either is cool, and you can never include everyone to the same extent, but just being aware that Christian isn't a "default/neutral" choice for everyone is something I always appreciated being kept in mind.

(Random aside: Most kids don't want extra attention called to them for being "different" either, so the girl prob doesn't want things obviously changed for her or anything like "let's respect your culture too now".)

On a more 1-on-1 note, which doesn't apply directly as you're talking about a group and just 1 person out of many, but...
I know _minxy_'s gf mocked the "happy holidays" cards, but I always DEEPLY appreciate it when my friends remember that I do not share their religious faith (not a huge thing to ask I think) and make this small gesture of respecting that. I don't expect the bigger culture to do it for me, but I do think friends of a certain closeness should make efforts for one another (kinda like having plenty of non-meat stuff for your vegan friend at the bbq, not asking your orthodox Jewish friend to answer your phone calls Fri night, not insisting your gay friend bring a member of the opposite sex to your wedding to make the table even etc etc)