Squeaks of outrage

[resonant]

The kidlet, being a seventh grader, had Abstinence Education today. To deliver this, the school evidently took them back to the 1950s.

The AE teacher told the girls that every boy thinks constantly about having sex with every girl he meets. Yes, seriously, the phrase "only want one thing" was used. Girls have to police how they dress so as not to tempt boys.

The kidlet sees right through all this, of course -- I mean, the kidlet actually knows some boys, and most of them, if they only want one thing, only want not to have to play dodgeball again -- but naturally they had to share squeaks of outrage with me when I got home and then share more squeaks of outrage with the spouse when he got home.

And then they had to endure me marching up the stairs at lights-out to make the speech that begins "And I suppose they assumed that everybody is heterosexual?" and ends " ... perfectly normal and we would love you in exactly, precisely the same way."

To which they replied, "Yes, but strictly speaking the term for women isn't 'gay,' it's 'lesbian.' "


edited 2019 to retroactively correct the kidlet's gender pronouns

Comments

[princessofgeeks]

I LOVE THIS IT GIVES ME HOPE THANK YOU.

BUT the SCHOOL OMG NO NO NO.

[resonant]

The spouse is particularly outraged because when he was a boy, that kind of message made him feel like there was something wrong with him because really he didn't want to have sex with anybody at all.

Naturally I'm more taking issue with the "Here is the dress code you follow so you don't get raped" end of things.

[jcalanthe]

Clearly you are being successful parents! I share squeaks of outrage too.

[resonant]

We gave her Heather Corinna's "S.E.X." a while back so we'd have a good starting point for discussion. Which is great because now she has all the language for everything.

[shayheyred]

I'm a little horrified that this teacher 1)exists and 2)is allowed to say such things. Is this a public school?

I am amazed and know not what to say.

[resonant]

It's a public school, but for this program they sent them to a "health education center" affiliated with one of the hospitals.

It isn't the only reproductive education she's getting in school, just a one-day program, so I'm still outraged but at least it's clearly separate from school.

(I've seen the center's program on drugs, and it's dubious, too. They're obviously under a lot of political pressure.)

[the_shoshanna]

OMG. I'm so glad you seem to have successfully immunized her against that load of toxic horse-hockey...

[resonant]

Since she watches so little television, this may have been her first introduction to the idea that she's responsible for other people's desires.

[wesleysgirl]

Wow. Yikes. My son is 11 and I doubt there's much "health class" (what he has in 5th grade, no sex talk yet) will teach him, he's read a lot of books already and we've talked about all of it since he was small. I've been super pleased with his health teacher, who he reports told them, "I'm not going to tell you not to do X or Y, because that won't stop you. I'm going to give you all the information so that you can make an educated decision for yourself." (!!!!)

[resonant]

That sounds terrific -- both what you're doing and what the school is doing. I do worry a lot about boys, because parents may feel that teaching them is not so important since they can't get pregnant!

[via_ostiense]

The kidlet is smart and wonderful. Her AE teacher...not so much.

[resonant]

Well, we think she's the best of all possible kidlets, of course ... hope she's having the same discussions with her friends that she's having with us.

[aerye]

To which she replied, "Yes, but strictly speaking the term for women isn't 'gay,' it's 'lesbian.' "

omg, ♥

[resonant]

Hee, she later told me, "You know that really long acronym with the G and the L and the B ... I've decided I'm the A, but for Ally, not for Asexual."

[kass]

I ♥ your kidlet.

[resonant]

I probably boast about her way too much.

[thefourthvine]

Clearly you have an awesome kidlet, which I hope helps you feel better about the whole Abstinence Education thing. (A few months after the safe banana, Z called me to let me know that they'd started sex education, and it wasn't like in his textbook. "They talked about everything," he said, sounding very grim about the whole thing. "Everything you said." You could tell that it had not been pleasant, and he felt mildly betrayed by the school system<i. I think he was sort of hoping for abstinence education. He would probably greatly envy your kidlet, is my point.)

[resonant]

[rereading the Safe Banana story and laughing so hard again]

My parents got me books and stuff, but didn't do much talking -- I went through high school figuring that most of this stuff my mother probably didn't even know, since my dad had already told her he wasn't ever watching another Richard Pryor performance with her until she learned what all the words meant. Now it occurs to me that she grew up on a farm and probably knew a lot more than I thought and just couldn't talk about it.

But, you know, I want to be in a house where it's possible to speak sentences like "Mom, I'm pregnant" or "Mom, I'm taking Hannah to the prom, not church Hannah or softball Hannah but the other Hannah, the one with the bicycle."

[beachlass]

*parenting high five*

[resonant]

You just never know what patriarchy is going to throw at you next, do you?

[merrily]

Your kid is awesome, and this health education stinks.

[resonant]

It does! I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm all for abstinence -- I think very often it's the best choice (especially for somebody who lives in my house and whose unexpected babies would become my responsibility!) -- but it's a big jump from "It's OK to decide you don't want to have sex" to "but if you don't, remember that you will have to devote all your energy to protecting your virtue from ravenous boys all the time."

[sorrel]

Every time I hear another horror story about sex education I'm grateful all over again for the fact that I dodged that bullet of fail in high school. There are public school systems that do it right, I promise!

Also, the kidlet sounds awesome and you guys definitely deserve a parenting high five.

[resonant]

Well, what passed for sex education when I was in school basically boiled down to menstruation education; I don't remember the slightest mention of anyone choosing whether or not to have sex. So that's progress? Maybe? But on the other hand, I wasn't told that all my relationships with males were sexual even when I thought they weren't.

[majoline]

What really? WOW. *high fives your parenting technique*

[resonant]

I mean, she knows we're pro-gay-rights, and she knows we have gay friends, but it occurred to me that a kid wouldn't necessarily translate that to "and so it would be OK if I were gay, too." It seemed important to say it in so many words.

[julad]

I can't wait until your kidlet grows up and has her own TV show/radio show/internet empire.

[resonant]

Or her own universe, even.

[copracat]

Let it be known that I wish to grow up to be kidlet.

[resonant]

Some are born kidlets, and some achieve kidletness.

[maire]

[I typed three or four obscenties before realising I really couldn't decide which expressed my feelings here]!

Twenty-three years ago, my school's sex education was an hour or so of what the main STDs are, what prevents them (barriers and non-penetrative sex are what I remember from that), how conception occurs, and how to get a condom onto a banana. They also passed around IUDs and diaphragms, so we'd know what they looked like. And also, I suspect, because trying to imagine how you'd get a normal-size diaphragm in there distracted us from the embarrassment of the condom. Then I think they told us that Family Planning is a confidential service that gives out free contraceptives to teenagers.

I thought at the time it was kind of pathetic, because it was about four years too late for a few of the kids (we were about 14-15) and because it didn't cover anything in enough detail. Now I just feel lucky.

[resonant]

Wow. That's pretty impressive. I think that in addition to the content, it would be very helpful just to send the message that these things can be talked about in public!

[beck_liz]

I'm so glad you're giving her all the info she needs. Growing up in a conservative home and attending a private school, the most I got were the bare minimum biological details of the reproductive system. And the impression that if a woman bared "too much" skin (midriff bare, low-cut blouse, skirt above the knee, etc.) that it would be her own fault if the ravening hordes of men lost control and attacked her. Took me years to learn better.

[resonant]

Yeah, the "too much skin" message is definitely one that she said the program gave her. And it can be hard to talk sensibly about it, because of course it's true that how you dress sends signals about how much sexual attention you're comfortable getting, but there's a big gap between that and saying, "If you don't cover the four B's, basically you're asking for gang rape in algebra class."

[laurenthemself]

It seriously stinks that this was how the school handled it, but yay for you!

[resonant]

It's pathetic, isn't it? And she has one friend who's already dating a high school student, so obviously they need some real information.

[sapote]

Did she get the Pyramid of Outercourse? We got the Pyramid of Outercourse! It starts with handholding! Save up your handholding for the right person, apparently, because once you do it you're climbing the pyramid of outercourse, which, one supposes, ends at handjobs or something.

[resonant]

Oh, that is hilarious! I told her about that today, and she laughed. Then she said, "Then they shouldn't put us in gym class and make us do dances that require us to hold hands," and gave me a hopeful look like I could singlehandedly make country dance gym classes go away.

[grey853]

OMG, you've got a delightful and wonderful kidlet!!! Yay! You've done a fabulous job at education unlike the public sector apparently.

I despair sometimes for the poor kids who can't talk to their parent/parents about what's going on both at school and in private.

That whole business about dressing so that they don't tempt the boys, I mean, really? Oh, yeah, it still goes on. Blame the victims because boys can't possibly be in control of themselves or answer for their own behavior. What a crock.

Hugs to your kid and to you and yours. You're doing it right.

[resonant]

I feel really bad for the kids who can't talk to their parents about it.

And the "only after one thing" stinks in so many ways. The spouse remembers being a boy and thinking, "I really don't want to have sex, so there must be something wrong with me." I remember being a girl and thinking, "Even though boys think about nothing but sex, none of them want to go out with me; I must be a real dog."

[giglet]

Parenting Win!

And please, please tell me that the school system has other sex education?

[resonant]

Yes, it does; this was just a one-day program at an off-campus education center. I mean, I'm pretty sure that what they have is inadequate and deeply compromised, but it's better than this.

[isis]

The school system's "abstinence education" sounds horrid. Just, aie.

Also, adorable kidlet! Although I have to say that I have (several) female gay friends who prefer to be called gay rather than lesbian, so.

[resonant]

The word 'lesbian' has always sounded weirdly clinical to me. (I said this to the kidlet, and she said, "Oh, no, it's a geographical reference." Lucky for me that she likes to know things; it means all I have to do is hand her books.)

[misspamela]

ABSTINENCE EDUCATION???

Wow. I just. Wow. Your kidlet sounds like she's really got her head on straight!

And I'm now wondering what kind of education R gets at school. I've broached the Sex Talks with her, but she's like, "LA LA LA, NOT READY" every time. I'm just going to buy her a book.

[resonant]

It's pretty pathetic what passes for education, isn't it?

I'm not sure how old R is, but the kidlet and I both really liked It's Perfectly Normal. I mention this because there's a character in the book who has exactly that "la la la I can't hear you" attitude. The artwork is adorable, and I particularly liked the page of naked people of various ages, shapes, and sizes, including naked people in wheelchairs and naked fat people and so on.