The soft No

[resonant]

Due to Covid, the spouse is encountering an experience a lot of women are going to relate to, and he doesn't like it one bit.

The virus is just arriving in the conservative small town where the spouse is a pastor. His little tiny church has had one death and has 7 current cases. A pastor comes into contact with a LOT of vulnerable people and has the power to spread a LOT of virus, so he has to be careful. But wearing a mask or curtailing activities means getting some ribbing.

A number of community groups are trying to launch a new community center with continuing education, a food pantry, etc. They keep scheduling in-person meetings, and the spouse keeps having to say, "I'll need to join by Zoom," so they'll all get together in a restaurant, and they'll put a laptop on the table for him.

One particular guy keeps inviting the spouse to social get-togethers in restaurants or in his home. Every time, the spouse has turned him down politely but not with any kind of pointed explanation. The invitations keep coming, and they don't get any safer.

The spouse says, "I guess I really need to sit him down and say, 'Look, I'm not doing in-person socializing until the health department tells me that's a safe thing to do.'"

And I said, "Yes, you probably should, even though it will probably get you mocked. But you shouldn't have to. You're giving him a soft No, and he's not getting the message, and now you know what it's like."

I told him he might as well think of it as cosplaying a '50s virgin. He liked that. "I can say No over and over. It's my Moral Duty."

Comments

[fox]

But good for him. (Which I just said out loud and confused my 4yo.)

[resonant]

Possibly this practice in saying no outright will be good for all of us?

[adafrog]

Good luck to him.

[ride_4ever]

The virus is just now arriving there? They have been blessed for a while at least.

As the local cases occur in your spouse's congregation, may he stay strong and healthy, caring for himself as well as his congregants.

[resonant]

I heard about isolated cases, but it's just since the new year that they've had that feeling of the numbers swelling and the hospital rooms filling up. They're off the beaten path, an hour from even small cities, at least three hours from the nearest major airport.

Unfortunately that isolation means (1) they're very dependent on regional healthcare, without much available there in town, and (2) people were able to get complacent.

[resonant]

Yeah, it's challenging. He's already culturally a fish out of water there.

[adafrog]

That's gotta be hard. Good for him for trying his best.

[lunabee34]

I know he doesn't need any validation that he's making the right choice, but I am so grateful that he's making the responsible choice. I am living in an area where too many faith leaders are not.

[resonant]

Yes, I see a lot of that, too. There's almost a snake-handling mentality -- hey! let's prove that God can protect us from anything by getting into a lot of anything!

[lunabee34]

Yep. That is very aptly described.

[minoanmiss]

bwee. I like your conceptualization of his situation, and matching it to the pattern it belongs to.

*sends him continued strength*

[resonant]

At least he's learning something. His heart and his politics are in the right place, but he doesn't know some of these things from experience.

We got married in 1989 A while back, we were talking about how within our lifetime the law said a married woman couldn't have her own bank account or her own credit card, and I said, "Yeah, I did research before we got married to make sure I wasn't going to lose any legal rights," and he was SHOCKED.

[jesse_the_k]

You named that tune -- twice.

I'm sorry that folks in his town are needlessly putting themselves at risk.

[resonant]

Themselves and others -- that's the thing that bugs me the most. Masks make me feel short of breath and anxious, too, but I'm willing to tolerate a little anxiety if it means I don't ever have to wonder if I'm the reason why my neighbor's dad is still in the hospital.

[kass]

You're giving him a soft No, and he's not getting the message, and now you know what it's like.

Yyyyyyyyyep.

(My sympathies to spouse, also. As a smalltown clergyperson I feel some of his pain on this one. But fortunately most of my people here are respecting this boundary...)

[cathexys]

I loved the analogy to the soft know. And how very frustrating for him!!!

[indywind]

Yep all that. And good on your spouse, both for doing the right thing, and for taking the learning opportunity.