resonant: Ray Kowalski (Due South) (Keyholes)
[personal profile] resonant
Best search string used to find one of my stories: nipple+laptop.



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At the slide: "My butt don't fit through there no more."

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"My son's third-grade class was eight girls and him, and one day he came home and said, 'I need to take in some hand lotion and some lip gloss.' "

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"You can lead a horse to water, but I'm not touchin' it."

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"Have a good night. Day. Whatever. Have a good next unit of time."

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"Did you know what I meant by knacky?"
"I figured it was part of your native dialect."

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Behind the counter at the coffee shop: "Sorry. Grinding equals no hearing."

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"You have brightened my day. I lift my coffee to you. Um -- I lift someone else's coffee to you."

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"She has school pictures today, and her arms are absolutely covered with My Little Pony tattoos."

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"If espresso splashes you and dries, it looks a little like henna."

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"Who was on the phone?"
"Wrong number. She was looking for Papa John's Pizza."
"Isn't everybody looking for Papa John's? Isn't Papa John's just a metaphor for the ethereal reality of our existence?"

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The spouse: "Reading the newspaper is like looking at the night sky. You see all this light, and it's light from thousands of years ago."

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"So I arrived at five, and nobody was here, and it's six, nobody here -- seven, nobody here -- and after a bit I started thinking: Maybe I'm dead. Maybe I died in the night and I just don't know how not to come to work."

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The tech goddess: My week basically disintegrates as it progresses.

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The spouse: "Oh, I had to make up a story about you today to get through a difficult moment in the men's room."

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 02:51 am (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 02:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mecurtin.livejournal.com
ow, it *hurts*! I'm not completely over my cold yet, and the laughing hurts and suppressing the laughing hurts *worse*.

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 02:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] black-bird-777.livejournal.com
These are great. What kind of difficult moment could have occurred in the men's room that warranted a made up story??? :-)

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 07:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] neery.livejournal.com
I was wondering about that, too.

Yeah!

Date: 11/5/06 06:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lynnzo.livejournal.com
Inquiring minds want to know...

(no subject)

Date: 11/15/06 03:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] resonant8.livejournal.com
I had to ask him again; I'd forgotten.

One of his co-workers for some reason decided to mention that he'd had a prostate exam that day -- while the two of them were washing their hands in the men's room. The spouse apparently was just struck dumb by this, and could not think of anything to say, and the silence was getting awkward, so finally he said, "Yeah, any time I complain about those, my wife just gives me this look like, 'I gave birth, moron; don't complain to me about a little finger once a year."

Which is true.

Overheard on the train

Date: 11/5/06 03:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] delurker.livejournal.com
Girl on train: Why don't they make the platform longer? Then we wouldn't have to mind the gap.

Re: Overheard on the train

Date: 11/15/06 03:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] resonant8.livejournal.com
Bwah!

This reminds me of me, actually. For years whenever I'd see a police car parked next to another car in some terribly dangerous location, I'd think, "Why do the police pull people over in such unsafe places?!" It was years before it occurred to me: Duh, the other car was parked/abandoned in an unsafe place, and they put the cop car there to stop the other car from causing accidents!

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 03:06 am (UTC)
ext_2400: (Default)
From: [identity profile] fullygoldy.livejournal.com
Wait! Have I read that story? I could swear I've read everything of yours, but I can't imagine what story would be returned from "nipple+laptop"

(no subject)

Date: 11/15/06 03:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] resonant8.livejournal.com
It was Reality. (http://trickster.org/res/reality.html) Which, yes, the nipple plays a starring role, but the laptop is only incidental!

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 03:13 am (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 03:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] joandarck.livejournal.com
That last one is my favourite!

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 03:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bluebrocade.livejournal.com
The spouse: "Oh, I had to make up a story about you today to get through a difficult moment in the men's room."

LMAO. I can't even imagine.

(no subject)

Date: 11/15/06 03:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] resonant8.livejournal.com
[pasting in from the explanation in someone else's comment]

One of his co-workers for some reason decided to mention that he'd had a prostate exam that day -- while the two of them were washing their hands in the men's room. The spouse apparently was just struck dumb by this, and could not think of anything to say, and the silence was getting awkward, so finally he said, "Yeah, any time I complain about those, my wife just gives me this look like, 'I gave birth, moron; don't complain to me about a little finger once a year."

Which is true.

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 03:39 am (UTC)
ext_1758: (Default)
From: [identity profile] raqs.livejournal.com
i LOVE overheard conversations. nothing is funnier in that "quoi?" sense.

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 04:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] laurelwood.livejournal.com
I love these compilations so much, but I always come away vaguely wistful over the fact that I'm obviously hanging out at all the wrong places. Or else just too hard of hearing to catch the good stuff.

"I lift someone else's coffee to you." :D :D :D

(no subject)

Date: 11/15/06 03:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] resonant8.livejournal.com
Possibly it means that when you're out in a public place, you're actually paying attention to what you're there to do -- doing your work, genuinely listening to your friends' conversation, whatever -- rather than sitting around devoting most of your energy to eavesdropping!

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 04:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] frostfire-17.livejournal.com
These are great.

And--how, exactly, does one find out what people are searching to find your stories? Because that sounds like it would be totally fascinating.

(no subject)

Date: 11/15/06 03:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] resonant8.livejournal.com
You use a hit counter. Mine are from Sitemeter. (http://www.sitemeter.com) Unfortunately, you have to put one on each story page, which means that I can't get statistics on my whole site all at once. But it's interesting.

When I post a story from a LJ announcement, I can actually see who is reading it -- or at least whose friendslist each hit came from. That's also how I learned that people named their custom friends groups things like "nonopod" and "nodrama" and "everyonebutyou."

My individual stories (at least the R and NC17 ones, which is almost all of them) have a code in them that's supposed to block search robots, so nearly all the searches take people to my main page rather than the story pages. My most common search, by far, is "Hermione+NC17."

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 04:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jimpage363.livejournal.com
The spouse: "Oh, I had to make up a story about you today to get through a difficult moment in the men's room.">>>


I am DYING to know: a) how difficult could this moment have been?; and b) what did he tell the other guy?

The possibilities are running riot in my brain...

(no subject)

Date: 11/15/06 03:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] resonant8.livejournal.com
Hee! Everybody wants to know this! I'm pasting in the same answer over and over, because I"m a lazy slob.

One of his co-workers for some reason decided to mention that he'd had a prostate exam that day -- while the two of them were washing their hands in the men's room. The spouse apparently was just struck dumb by this, and could not think of anything to say, and the silence was getting awkward, so finally he said, "Yeah, any time I complain about those, my wife just gives me this look like, 'I gave birth, moron; don't complain to me about a little finger once a year."

Which is true.

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 04:17 am (UTC)
ext_1611: Isis statue (Default)
From: [identity profile] isiscolo.livejournal.com
And speaking of which, are you going to send me the stats files, please?

(no subject)

Date: 11/6/06 02:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] resonant8.livejournal.com
I sent them to you! @arithmancy.net. Want me to send them again?

(no subject)

Date: 11/6/06 03:38 am (UTC)
ext_1611: Isis statue (Default)
From: [identity profile] isiscolo.livejournal.com
Yes please. Hmm - I checked the spam filter and didn't see them, but I might have sent them into the ether earlier, so I will check right away just in case.

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 04:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kezzamorphosis.livejournal.com
At last she comments!

This is hilarious, m'dear!

Someday I'll have to share with you the file of insanity WE keep 'round these parts.

(no subject)

Date: 11/15/06 03:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] resonant8.livejournal.com
Oh, do! I'd love to read that.

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 04:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] geekwriter143.livejournal.com
Behind the counter at the coffee shop: "Sorry. Grinding equals no hearing."

That is so true. Also, you want to chat while I'm foaming your soy? Really? Well, you just keep moving your lips and I'll just nod whenever I see you pause.

Although, the one about the story in the men's room is the absolute best. My mind is going in so many directions on that one.

(no subject)

Date: 11/15/06 03:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] resonant8.livejournal.com
Man, I can't even hear over the steamer when I'm on the other side of the room. It beats me why people who work in coffee shops don't all have impaired hearing. "I'm sorry, did you say decaf or Falstaff?"

As for the men's room -- I should really have included some explanation; now I'm just pasting in the same explanation in everybody's comment.

One of his co-workers for some reason decided to mention that he'd had a prostate exam that day -- while the two of them were washing their hands in the men's room. The spouse apparently was just struck dumb by this, and could not think of anything to say, and the silence was getting awkward, so finally he said, "Yeah, any time I complain about those, my wife just gives me this look like, 'I gave birth, moron; don't complain to me about a little finger once a year."

Which is true.

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 05:05 am (UTC)
china_shop: Close-up of Zhao Yunlan grinning (Default)
From: [personal profile] china_shop
I read the last one out to my partner, and he said, "I'm going to have to write to this guy: he's broken The Code. No one's supposed to talk about the difficult moments in the men's room!"

*ggg*

(no subject)

Date: 11/15/06 03:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] resonant8.livejournal.com
[laughing] Well, I've shared many of the Women's Mysteries with him, too. ("Why on earth would she ask me if those pants made her look fat? There is no right answer to that question!" "She suspects that they make her look worse than she really looks, and she wants you to confirm that it's the pants and not her.")

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 05:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] volari.livejournal.com
Brilliant!

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 05:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lovelokest.livejournal.com
Overheard at dinner tonight:

Woman: "What is the soup of the day?"
Waiter: "Tomato.:
Woman: "Is that vegetarian?"

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 05:57 am (UTC)
vass: Small turtle with green leaf in its mouth (Default)
From: [personal profile] vass
I would have asked that too. Some people put bacon in it, or make it with chicken stock or something.

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 06:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lovelokest.livejournal.com
Hmm, good point, I hadn't thought of that. I guess I always assume that tomato soup is vegetarian.

(no subject)

Date: 11/15/06 03:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] resonant8.livejournal.com
One that was collected by a college friend:

"What's the soup du jour?"
"The soup of the day."

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 09:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] orpheus-samhain.livejournal.com
"So I arrived at five, and nobody was here, and it's six, nobody here -- seven, nobody here -- and after a bit I started thinking: Maybe I'm dead. Maybe I died in the night and I just don't know how not to come to work."

like Binns, except children went for his class :)

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 09:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] toft-froggy.livejournal.com
Love the last one...

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 10:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] uselessplayback.livejournal.com
Yay!

"Have a good night. Day. Whatever. Have a good next unit of time."

This reminds me of something my cousin said when she was very small. We rarely got a chance to see her, so instead of saying, "I'll see you in a while." She said, "I'll see you in a couple of whiles."

(no subject)

Date: 11/15/06 03:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] resonant8.livejournal.com
Aww!

In my old job, we used to pass around documents for the designers to critique the graphic design. One designer would comment, "Maybe make the headline a tad bigger?" and another would add, "Two or three tads."

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 02:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] farwing.livejournal.com
These are all really funny. But this one made me giggle a whole lot:

"She has school pictures today, and her arms are absolutely covered with My Little Pony tattoos."

Thank you!

(no subject)

Date: 11/5/06 04:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] salixbabylon.livejournal.com
*snort* I always love these - thanks for sharing.

Clearly, I need to start hanging out in cafes more often...

(no subject)

Date: 11/6/06 10:43 pm (UTC)
ext_80328: Mad Martha (Default)
From: [identity profile] mad-martha.livejournal.com
"So I arrived at five, and nobody was here, and it's six, nobody here -- seven, nobody here -- and after a bit I started thinking: Maybe I'm dead. Maybe I died in the night and I just don't know how not to come to work."
I have this horrid feeling that this is a flash-forward to my future ....

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resonant: Ray Kowalski (Due South) (Default)
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