9. Can anyone else read my laptop screen from here?

[resonant]

Things I'm thinking while reading sex scenes (in ascending order of frequency)

1. Not thinking at all. Laughing, crying, aroused, and elated. OMG. Wow.

2. Eee, this is just what they need! This puts back together the heart that the first part of the story broke. I'm so happy now!

3. This is really well done. Wish I'd thought of it.

4a. What, all that buildup for two paragraphs that don't even tell me what specific act they're doing?
4b. What, two paragraphs of buildup and the entire rest of the story is finger-by-finger detail of sex between two people who are already aware they're in love?

5. Wait, you don't mean to tell me he's going to reward that sort of behavior? Oh, lord, he is.

6. [skim skim skim]

7. Nope. [back arrow]

8. Hm. Other people's arms must be a lot longer than mine are.

Comments

[libitina]

Yoga has definitely taught me that other people's arms are longer than mine. But some fics... yeah.

[cesperanza]

I really see too much of 4a and 4b!!! Both! The story of sexual despair (mine, that is!)

[china_shop]

5. Wait, you don't mean to tell me he's going to reward that sort of behavior? Oh, lord, he is.

Hee! /o\ /o\ /o\

[karmageddon]

this killed me.

almost spit out my drink on #5

[starfish]

You forgot : You've clearly never actually participated in or witnessed sex in real life, because that's not how human bodies work. Ow.

[carolyn_claire]

AKA: Surely no one outside of Cirque du Soliel is actually that bendy.

[out_there]

8. Hm. Other people's arms must be a lot longer than mine are.

OMG, I've had that exact thought. And then really wondered. (And, occasionally, if I'm terribly bored, tried to work out if I could reach if I twisted my shoulder just so...) Inevitably, I realise that my arms are shorter or other people are waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more flexible.

[azurelunatic]

Surely no one outside of fanfiction will remain unharmed after sticking THAT in an orifice.

(Crisco aside; Crisco is for fisting, not for condoms.)

[resonant]

My favorite example of this was a story I read long ago in which someone licked someone else's eardrum.

[panisdead]

8. Hm. Other people's arms must be a lot longer than mine are.

SO TRUE.

in re: 8

[jenna_thorn]

TMI moment -- my husband is incredibly amused by my hobby, in no small part because I'll be tapping away, look up, grab him by the wrist and say, "take off your pants and move your arm here."

It's not like his hobby requires periodic enthusiastic sex.

[lian]

Taken at face value, this is the most gruesome thing I've read today.

[jenna_thorn]

Well, there are some fandoms.... I'm thinking Hannibal?

Re: in re: 8

[spikedluv]

Hee! (And hello, as I butt in.) I'm thinking that Pip might not mind my writing so much if it was interactive, lol!

Hi there!

[jenna_thorn]

Well, we have kind of a contractual obligation to look up and go, "oh, that's neat!" when he brings home stinky bits of leather and canvas or I bring home yarn.

But I'll admit he finds being a body model for positioning a lot more fun than holding the skein while I wind a ball of yarn.

[vickita]

All of these. Yes.

[wanted_a_pony]

8. Hm. Other people's arms must be a lot longer than mine are.

Ahahahahaha! Oh lord, I'm not the only one! And here I thought I was a freak of nature....

[retrofit]

eeyurgh. Such an image!

[resonant]

Mostly what I've learned from yoga about body proportions is that there's a surprising number of poses that are complicated by a large belly. Oh, and that most people's shoulders are a lot more flexible than mine!

[resonant]

Yes! Why don't people write stories whose plot-to-sex proportion is precisely calibrated to our preferences? I ask you.

[resonant]

Can you tell I'm reading a lot of Sherlock? Not that other fandoms don't have characters who ought to get grounded rather than pounded ...

[resonant]

In fairness to slash, I often think the same thing when I watch/read romantic comedies. "He's committed about ten crimes, woman! Do not say yes! Don't say -- ah, shit, she said yes."

[resonant]

I'm guessing the writer just sort of stuck her finger in her ear and said, "OK, that must be my eardrum."

[resonant]

Bwah! I don't think it counts as a caress when the organ in question is no longer attached to a living body!

[resonant]

Oddly, Night Vale (where long, prehensile tongues are not even unlikely) hasn't seemed to have thsi problem yet.

[resonant]

I know for a fact that other people have longer fingers than I do, but wouldn't you think all that would be proportional within the same body? Apparently not. Or else people are writing things they've never tried.

[resonant]

I think I look reasonably normally proportioned...

Re: in re: 8

[resonant]

I've never had the spouse practice sex scene blocking with me, but I've been known to take mental notes ...

[resonant]

I'd love to have more aroused elation and less astonished disbelief.

[resonant]

You too? I was thinking it was only me.

In fact I suspect that what's really happening is that the actors in gay porn have longer arms (or much greater flexibility) than the rest of us, and writers follow their research.

[vickita]

::nods:: Wouldn't we all? *g*

Re: in re: 8

[princessofgeeks]

so much this, lol

[toft]

SO. TRUE.

[toft]

LOL. I never cease to get tired of the conversations that Hannibal fandom causes.

[toft]

... that person surely did not know what an eardrum was.

[out_there]

Or else people are writing things they've never tried.

It' sthe internet, so you totally can't discount that option.

But, hmmm, proportions can be different. I know for a fact that Mum's legs are the same length as mine, yet I'm nearly two inches taller -- it's all in the torso. So maybe if people have shorter torsos/proportions, they can reach.

[myalexandria]

My current fandom features one guy who is IRL ridiculously flexible, with lots of video evidence to prove it. I gather from the sex scene writers that this is really freeing. "Can he handle this position? ...Yes, yes he could."

[zats_clear]

hilarious! And so true. Altho my order is a bit different than yours :)

[via_ostiense]

Ewwwwwwwwww. I mean, aside from the pain--surely sticking things that deep down the ear canal must heart like bejeezus--I imagine it tastes gross.

[jesse_the_k]

Yeah, from the list I can even suspect some titles of which fics you're reading. o.0

Re: in re: 8

[synecdochic]

With my hypermobility disorder, I often have to grab my wife and say "come here and try to recreate this pose i'm doing -- can a normal person bend that far?"

At which point she tries it, falls over/yelps/fails miserably/etc, and says "no, that's just you."

[basingstoke]

I have a pair of those wooden artist models that I use to test proportions--can they reach this from there?

Flexibility I can pretty much test myself...I'm reasonably flexible, but not an athlete, so I just round up or down from there. Writing Spider-Man is fun because he is canonically made of rubber bands and Slinkies. Bones are always a limiter though.

[king_touchy]

Oh god, just by writing that out you likely caused exactly that fic to spontaneously exist. The strange extremes of fanfic simultaneously terrify and delight me.

[the_oscar_cat]

this whole thing has me hooting!

I would also include prostates which are obvious and stupidly easy to find. as if that was the ONLY THING making any of it pleasurable. i have yet to see someone use the term 'boy clit' but i'm sure it's out there somewhere.